Countdown begins….

26 days until fall break! Oregon, here I come.
Yeah, we’re counting, we know. It’s lame. But how many times in my life will I be able to say that I’ve flown cross country for love?
Drama exploded here this weekend, but on the whole it was laid back.
Nice discussions with both Katie and Danny. Katie’s sort of significant other, Ben, asked her when she was going to grow out of our friendship. Wow. Katie has been my other since freshman year of high school. We did the long distance relationship through freshman year, and got even closer, if that’s possible, this summer. I wouldn’t be able to survive if I didn’t know that she will always be there for me. My wall is covered in pictures of Katie, Colorado, and Danny. But mostly Katie. And Colorado. Don’t ever underestimate between best friends. Especially not the Katies.
Emily from Denver came this weekend, bringing her roommate unexpectedly, which caused disastrous results. And I am $17 poorer as a result of her inability to navigate city streets and find a parking spot.
However, things have continued. I got into a fight defending gay rights with someone’s roommate, which ended in me walking out after I asked him to please not use the word “hate.” He refused. I don’t stand for that. As a woman, I know what it’s like to be ogled and objectified, so when he told me he had that experience ONCE in his life and, as a result, “hates gays,” I fought back. It was ridiculous. Some people are so ignorant and disrespectful.
Ah, well, getting a little chillier here.

Chinese water torture

As of sometime yesterday, my shower will not stop dripping. Hot water is contantly (and I mean a small but constant stream) falling out. Not little drops, occasionally. I don’t know what to do. I mean, I guess I should TMA it. TMA (I have no idea what it stands for….the maintenance association?) is Loyola’s little way of helping a student out. But do they ever come and fix the problem? Probably not. Any ideas? Plumbing fixes? Grrrr……..if I leave the bathroom door closed, the constant stream of hot water warms my bathroom way too much, but if I open the door, I hear it.
…..
….
….
….
….
it’s like that, sort of. Un-ending.
Got heated in Journalism class today. Not only was the classroom hotter than 90 degrees, but I shared my opinion on a document release that was not met well by the professor. I am worried that she may feel as though I was irreverant, but I asked a fellow student and they told me I was fine. However, it was merely a disagreement, and a sharing of opinon. We were essentially saying the same thing, but I was pushing for citizens to remember that this is a democracy, and that the majority vote does tend to rule.
I was sitting there, in my two and a half hours of ninety plus degree hell, when I feel my phone vibrate. (Of course I’d feel it, even when it has to be silent, it’s never more than three feet from me.) A text message: “Hey, just in case you wondered, I am kind of madly in love with you.” And so of course my whole day got a little brighter.

September Commences.

Ah, Labor Day weekend. Festive, of course. Friday night, spent with Maddie (from Colorado) and her boyfriend. Saturday night spent with Melissa, my roommate, and her boyfriend Bobby at his new place. The University Center is home to dorms for Columbia, Roosevelt, and DePaul. His roommates are quiet, studious, and definitely not into loud noises and fun. Sunday night, I went to my friend Hunter’s for his housewarming party and his roommate Ian’s 21st birthday. It was so good to see everyone again, and it was definitely a weird experience to see him and his ex-girlfriend with their new significant others. People tell me I’m glowing with happiness these days, but I think I just purposely act happier in public than I am. No, that’s a lie, I really do glow sometimes. I have my plane tickets to go out to Oregon for fall break! (Thirty days.)
Yesterday, I went to the beach with Melissa and Bobby and we played in the lake and buried each other in sand and it was probably the best day I’ve spent here yet. Four blocks from my dorm, there is a beach. It’s amazing. I just walk up Michigan Ave and I’m there. My camera currently has sand in it, but the lens does come out most of the way, so I’m sure it’s just a matter of time before it’s up and running again. I hope. We came back and we all made dinner together. Spaghetti and sausage, caesar salad, watergate salad, cheesecake for dessert, garlic bread.
And then the madness continued late into the night.
And we woke up, this morning, and life goes on.
And there’s something somewhere that’s pulling at me, and I’m not sure what it is. And I know what it’s about, and I’m scared, because the feeling is deeper than usual. Fear, jealousy, resentment, hatred. Something, somewhere is stirring that. And it’s starting to boil. He means nothing by it, but I feed off it and mull it over in my mind, and suddenly there is nothing there but that. Him and them. Him and her. Nothing. But my jaw is set and my eyes are cold. And there’s nothing that will change that, until he realizes that I am not okay.

Midsummer’s Education Nightmare

Introduction to Shakespeare.
I should have known.
Introduction. For people who’ve never read Shakespeare.
I, on the other hand, have read more Shakespeare than the average person.
The second day of class (the first official day, because we were going over the syllabus the first day), we talked about what it was like during Shakespeare’s time. And I don’t mean describing the political atmosphere, or the social conditions that the people were forced to live in.
Nope. We talked about what the Renaissance meant. We discussed the fact that it brought about the scientific method, a renewed interest in philosophy, math and science.
Duh.
Everyone from the age of 10 on knows this.
Easy A, I know, but brain torture. I feel dumber already.
I do this. I sign up for classes that sound easy because I’m afraid to actually come across a challenge that I can’t meet.
I met this one, though, my junior year of high school.
Shakespeare, I’m so sorry that your work has been dumbed down for college students who never got it in high school.
The teacher, a middle aged man, socially awkward, was asking the class about their anxieties for the semester. (yeah, any professor who brings emotion or fear into the first lesson is going to be a total pushover, even though he wants to pretend he’s a hardass.) And as we were talking about maybe not understanding the language (grrr…… it is, after all, English), a book dropped in the hall and he asked the class if we were worried about bullets in the halls. As soon as he said it, he chuckled, and then must have seen the looks on our faces because he immediately corrected himself.
Ah, the glories of the politically correct statement.
Introduction to Shakespeare, here I come.

The downside

Fall break can’t come soon enough. Shortly after Mom, Mike, Aunt Sally and Grandma Mary come through Chicago, I hope to be heading off to Oregon to spend a long weekend there.
My stomach has been increasingly more upset lately. I’m never hungry, but I often feel faint or sick. It’s as though I need to eat, desperately, and even though I do, it seems like nothing is ever enough. I can’t eat much, because if I do, I’ll be sick, but I know that I need to eat. It’s a difficult situation that I am wondering how to handle. There have been no substances entering my bloodstream via lungs or stomach, and I’m wondering how that is affecting my feelings of illness. Certain things do tend to take away the nausea that I often feel.
I’m sure this cold isn’t helping. I feel tired because I am so sick, and I can’t kick the cough or the sinus drainage.
Way too much information, I know, but it feels better typing it all out. I know what you’re all thinking, “Hey, doesn’t Loyola have a Wellness Center?” Yeah, we do, but I am not going. They’re going to tell me I have IBS and then give me cough drops. I’ll just wait it out.

Address:
26 East Pearson
Box #0601
Chicago, IL 60611
Use my full name: Katherine

Danny and I have been communicating via iChat, which allows us to talk and see each other through our computers. Mom, all you have to do is set up that camera and then get on AOL (so you can Instant Message me) and then send me a video invitation. It works. It’s pretty sweet, actually.

I think I’m going to go make some breakfast. I’m not sure that it will help, and I’m nervous that this is going to turn into something worse. Emily was hospitalized last night again for the same reasons as before. Stomach. Stomach. Stomach. And they never find anything, and there’s never anything they can do, but she’s still really ill. I think it’s odd that the two of us are both so sick for no apparent reason all the time, although hers is most definitely more severe.

Adjustments.

The building rises out of the ground, standing among the others, not different, and somehow not the same. 25 stories tall, it is hardly the tallest building around, yet it rises slightly above it’s neighbor, the top of it proclaiming it’s affiliation for all the world to see. My room is plain, for the moment, white walls and clutter, furniture against most of the walls. Two desks, dressers, beds, chairs and closets. One bathroom. All mine. Shower, only, of course, although since I am alone in this room I would have enjoyed a tub, and been able to make sure it was clean.
Groceries. Gluten free. The words pop out at me from the boxes that line the shelves and I see them, pick them up, and hope that they’ll taste even adequate.
I hear his voice in my ear, he’s telling me his fears, and I’m unable to comfort him. I told him my story, how even this year, I cried and cried and begged her to take me back with her. He’s scared. I’m scared for him.
But here it goes, on and on.
Broken toe. Kicked a couch. Problem. It’s purple. First broken bone of my life.
Roommates are awesome. Love them. Thank god.
Classes are not bad either.
Coughing fit in the bookstore. Lawyers. Awkward. The salesclerk handed me a cough drop and it didn’t work.
Love.

Chicago, again

As we started saying goodbye, that day edged closer and closer. And then it was pushed off again, distant, and somehow the time started to slip faster. The last week, my last given days in Colorado, went so fast. There was the final show at Red Rocks, planned. There was the one on Wednesday that neither of us were expecting. Katie left last Saturday, and I do regret that I wasn’t able to get up to Ft. Collins to see her before I left.

I’m tired. Waking up Friday morning was difficult. The hours slipped by, and tears leaked out every now and then. Stupid things would set me off. He’d tell me he loved me, and I’d lose it. And I thought that nothing could get worse until today. Because it actually hurts. The space where my heart was hurts. My legs, my head, my arms, my back. I am lovesick. The smile was stuck on my face all yesterday. We sat at Stella’s. Our first place and our last, memories sliding easily between us. I think of the first night we hung out, the first inside joke. And it kills me. Because I know that no one believes in this. Not many people support our decision to try and stick it out. I’ve heard the typical “You need to keep your options open.” or “Long distance? You’re so young.” It doesn’t matter. Maybe it’s because I’m young that I’m open to the possibility of love in the tougher places. I don’t know. I’m following what I feel, and I’m usually not wrong.

I miss my mountains. I miss the sunset. I miss Danny.

This may be the beginning of my last semester at Loyola. Either that, or I will finish out the year. But I am keeping other possibilities open, only because I feel that one should not approach higher education with dread. I purely dread going back to my apartment. I dread going to class. I dread eating alone. I dread having to spend Friday and Saturday nights curled up in bed with a book (although for an extended period of time, I would be alright.) I just can’t live without my friends. And to those of you who believe in “sticking it out,” I’d like to point out that someone like myself, who is shy and has difficulty making friends, has no chance in a place where I do not feel comfortable.

That’s that. And I’m going to be happy, whether it’s in Chicago, or Denver, or Tahiti, or wherever.

I get pissy when I’m tired. That’s a known fact. This morning, I got held up at security because the man in front of me was excited to get to flash his Arapaho County Sheriff’s Office badge, and talk about how he had a knife with him. …Power trips annoy me. We get to our gate, way down the A concourse, and of course, he was on the phone, talking loud enough for the entire waiting area to hear. I was not going to sit around and listen to it, and I know that neither was anyone else. I watched people look at him, and he sat there, oblivious. So I got up. And I called him out for being too loud. At five in the morning. I was very nice about it, and I threw in a nice little hand gesture in case he had any doubts as to my meaning. I lowered my hand as though it was a volume guage, and apparently my mom got a thumbs up from some guy who was watching me do all of this.

we’ll talk about the room, the roommates…all of that. later.

August continues

I’m cheating. I’m eating gluten. And it is so good. I got home tonight and cooked one of those single serving party pizzas. And am in the process of eating it. All in all, only a fourth of the crust is actually gone, so I’m sure that I won’t be too sick.

It’s worth it.
Seriously.

Those are pictures from the Continental Divide one morning when we were driving down from Vail. And then the ones with the rainbows in them are from Red Rocks. Katie and Danny and a couple of our friends and I went to the Slightly Stoopid and G Love show on Friday night. it was absolutely wonderful.

Nothing like the summer to make you fall in love

Well, that was an unexpected summer. I didn’t want to come back, not at all, and now I find myself not wanting to leave. I’ve been saying my goodbyes, slowly but surely. Tonight was hopefully my last shift at Dairy Queen; I walked out with the best feeling in my stomach. I was so sick of it, by the time it ended. We were packed today, with people who thought that they were donating money everytime they bought themselves a four dollar blizzard. But, no, the owners wouldn’t allow the money to be donated. Instead, they keep it (because they refuse to participate in the Children’s Miracle Day program-thing) and let people think that they are doing some sort of dollar good in the world. And they’re not. I carefully step over it in conversation, not denying yet not agreeing to anything.
We’re going to try and make it work. We decided that the other night, after we’d realized that something wasn’t right. So it’s me and him now. And it’s wonderful. He finally met Mom. Him and Mike get along. And tonight, him and Katie went to see a show at Red Rocks while I was at work. He’s perfectly cute and college bound and more importantly than any of that, he makes me happy. And Mom likes him. Keep your fingers crossed.
I can’t leave now. I’m in love.
We drove up to Red Rocks, two sketchy kids in a Lexus, to see the sunrise last weekend. The pictures knocked me back. It was perfect. A spur of the moment decision made after we’d already lost most of the night to conversation. There was a food run, but other than that, we stuck to the routine. He wanted to drive back to St Marys Alice, and thinking of that hike, I suggested Red Rocks instead because I knew that after zero sleep I’d be tired. We went, and stood and watched, and I realized that there is no place more lovely than Colorado. I’ve never been more content.
I am still waiting on the bloodwork for the gluten allergy. I hope…actually, I’m not sure what I hope. If it’s no, than thank god I am not allergic to it, but then what’s wrong with me? And if it’s yes, which it most likely is going to be, than I can’t eat bread. or sandwhiches. Or cookies. Or cereal. Or graham crackers. Or brownies. Or cake. Or crackers. Or certain kinds of ice cream. Or granola bars. Or granola. No pizza. No pasta. Ahhhh……

I’m complaining and I shouldn’t be. Chicago is up the air, once again. Dad has offered to drive me, Mom has offered me a plane ticket to St. Louis. I don’t know how I’m going to manage getting there, so I think I will try to drive. I move in at 8 am that Monday. Danny offered to drive too, and I think that’d be more fun than any of the other options, but I highly doubt his parents would approve of that.

So we shall see. In the end, it’s always what will be that will be.