I’m currently in the middle of writing a short film. It’s about a fertility-challenged couple. The wife has an affair, and surprise, ends up pregnant (because it’s totally his fault they can’t have children) and then they have to deal with it. Is it a blessing or a curse? I don’t know yet. I’m only at page 13. I’ll let you know when I get there.

So Ireland might be out for spring break. I might go alone, though. That could be an interesting adventure. Something tells me Mom won’t go for that, but trust me, the Irish is/are worth the trans-Atlantic flight. We are for sure going in the summer. I will sell all of my possessions (except Simon, he’s mine) to get there. I’m fixated.

So excited to get my new computer. In all honesty, the whole week has been spent either fixated on the break up with Hunter (of course we’re trying to figure it out. He loves me. I love him. We just don’t work anymore. So we’re trying to work), Ireland (one of the reasons we’re not working, my god, he’s perfect) and my brand new computer! I still haven’t decided what I’m going to name it. The last one was Fluffy. This one might be Leonard.

Steel Magnolias in the theater is just as effective as it was on film. Cried my eyes out. Sobbed like a child. Snot on my sleeves sobbed. Man, if Mom ever needed a kidney, I couldn’t give her one. I’d totally sell mine though, so that’s a plus. Maybe it would help.

Took a nap earlier and consequently am not tired at 1:30am. Need to be up at 7, so I do believe I should get to bed. Can’t. Still writing my affair script. Not putting it all together properly, but it’s a start.

As if in an instant, there was nothing left of me.
My shell floats from room to room,
back and forth, away again,
as though it wants to be somewhere.
The hollow feeling centers me.
Still. Solid as a cold stone statue,
made immobile by man,
as I was.
Wind and cold register inside my home,
I feel them but then I don’t.
The only hurt is my eye,
I’ve forgotten about my heart,
is it still curled there, somewhere?
Twisted inside layers of deep flesh;
it was once, I remember.
How can it hurt this much?
It shouldn’t.
Saw it coming, like the bus.
Stepped on, stepped off
now lying dead gathering road dust.
Crushed.
Rendered motionless.
Surrounded by the present,
surrendering to the past or future,
either, both, at once.
First kisses, children, little smiles,
shoulders warm, now cold.
Heartbreak.
Stomachache.
The shattering of everything.
Cold insistence.
Selfish pain.
Blind panic, terror.
Tears came all day,
they wouldn’t stop, they came every way.
Off the tip of my nose, round my cheeks,
over chapped pink lips to fall off my chin.
They didn’t stop.
They fled down my shoulders, my pillows, my fingertips.
They fell, there’s nothing left.

Perhaps it was unexpected, but late last week, Hunter and I decided to take a break. I called him Thursday night, after he’d told me he was having doubts about the relationship and told him I thought we needed some time apart.
So that’s what we’re doing. In all honesty, I’ve been trying to figure out what went wrong and I’m not exactly sure, but I do know that I haven’t been happy in awhile.
We’re best friends, but are we right for each other? I’m taking the time to figure it out.
He wants to get back together, and I hate to hurt him, but right now, I’m not sure I want to be in a relationship.

I decided to take the weekend for myself, and sort of just let everything be. I’ve been relaxing, accomplishing nothing and laying around. It’s been rejuvenating and I don’t regret it for a moment.

On that note, I do need to get some cleaning done.

Mom told me that she was proud of me today. It meant a lot. I wish I could explain it. It’s like validation, something like that coming from someone I respect so much.

I’m currently mired in the mess that is cleaning my room. I’ve been stopping and going and stopping and going, allowing myself to be distracted by anything and everything. But, things are moving, albeit rather slowly.
The clothes are a three foot mound on my bed. Getting rid of them will feel so good. A donation solution to my problem.

I’ve been overwhelmed lately. Bogged down. Restless. Misguided. Tired. Unproductive. I’m looking forward to the end of the semester, although I feel as though there is so much to do before then! Thanksgiving break is going to be a nice break for me.

This blog was a distraction tool for me that failed. I have so far written not one productive sentence and am assuming that I won’t.

My speech went well on Monday. I got up there and glared him down so hard. He had previously told me that I had poor eye contact. That and he wasn’t sure why we don’t honor Lincoln (as in, the dead president) more. But mostly poor eye contact. So, I gave him looks that should have turned his eye contact meter to stone. And I smiled at the rest of the class. Mandatory minimum sentences for drug offenders, consider yourself erased!

Ha, but seriously, wait for my blog about drugs. I’ve got some radical ideas about legalization of ALL drugs. Stoked on it. Want to devote my life to at least the legalization of marijuana. I guess I can do that after my kids go to college.

On a completely opposite note, I bought some sweaters at Target. They are so mature. I look like I’ve never broken a rule in my life.

Also, as I was cleaning my room, I found a bunch of incomplete thank-you notes. So here’s the lamest group thank you ever. I promise (keep in mind its an internet promise) to personally do something nice for each and every single person who’s done something nice for me. I was thinking something along the lines of cookies and flowers, but who knows. Those gas cards/just-saying-hi cards/chocolate covered almonds [amazing]/cute little candles/blue-orange glasses/anything makes my days.

Perhaps maybe Simon can have a car wash this week? (ooh, not pushing it)

I built a shelf all by myself! I know that’s lame, but the directions said “2 people.”

Ugh, can you tell I’m buying time?

I want to be swept away, romantically speaking.

I guess I’ve failed anyone who reads this blog. I always intended it as a place of thoughts, and instead I find myself dropping my frustrations and daily activities into it out of duty. I owe you thoughts, I owe you my rational observations of the city I live in.
I attempted to start a blog about Chicago and the things I’ve learned from it. I failed in that.
I wish I could capture the moments that I see everyday, whether it’s the woman who sits begging for change by the church or the way the el slides away from the station. I wish I could capture the urgency of the city, the anger, the hidden histories. And perhaps I’ll try harder and get better at it and be able to fully explain my journey here.
Because it has been a journey.
I get teased about the state I was left in the first time I landed here, my very first day of college, a skinny lost freshman crying. I found a little white beanie bear that mom left for me, but it wasn’t any help. It made it worse.
That night, I threw up in the common bathroom, the sound echoing through the halls of my floor. My roommate, Ashley, who now has a baby girl about three months old, came in excited. “There’s a bulimic girl on the floor!” she exclaimed.
“No,” I replied. “That was just me.”
Since, I’ve traveled back and forth. I’ve never really felt at home here, I won’t lie. Perhaps the decision to come to Chicago has never settled properly on my shoulders. I have loved it. Chicago is a place I hope everyone has the chance to experience at some point in their lives. It’s also a sick, twisted city, a place of broken dreams and broken hearts. I wonder if I’ll ever find the pieces of myself I’ve lost here.
I’ve kept coming back, kept leaving, repeated that pattern as necessary. But to what end? I see the final end now: we’re coming up on it. May. But then it extends again, a broken promise. Rome? Not anymore, perhaps. Then June, July. Definitely at August’s approach, I shall be once again moving somewhere west, somewhere familiar, somewhere home.
I’ve gained my freshman fifteen, lost it, and gained some again. I’ve settled. I’ve been in love, once or twice here, always finding it lacking. Hunter loves me, that much I know. I guess I love him, but what do I know? I’ve been struggling, wanting something else, knowing I can’t just jump ship and fly to where I want to be.
Is somewhere else the dominant theme in my life? Will it always be someone else, somewhere else? Me wishing I was somebody else?
I find that I am rooted in myself, and in that, I take comfort.
I trust myself, but I’m unsure of my direction. Where does life go? What now? I was talking to an old friend who’s finally enrolled in DADC after years of jostling around. Upon hearing about my guidance counselor aspirations, he tells me he’s sure I’m selling myself short. And maybe he’s right.
Here I am, ready to go, ready to hop away again, but I have no plan, as usual.
Unsteady, unsure. How can I convey all of those thoughts to my readers (all three of them)? How can I tell you that I wonder a hundred times a day if what I’ve done is good enough? If the path I’m on is the right one?
I promise, I try so hard. I’ve fallen into melancholy lately, unsure, unsteady, unhappy. Very unhappy. It’s as though every week is a struggle, a race to the end. To Friday. To sleep. To what? To another week, oh dear.
I got what I was waiting for last night, the communication missing from my daily routine. I hadn’t realized how much I missed it until I had it, and now it’s gone again.

Oh to have everything I dream of, wouldn’t that be beautiful?

Enter November. This was a very socially productive weekend, although one that saw nothing school or life related accomplished.
Maddie and I went out on Friday night. I dressed as Snow White and she as musician Lady Gaga. (She made a bow on her head made entirely out of her own hair. It was an impressive feat.) We went to the bars near Wrigley Field and ended up meeting up with Hunter, his friend Brian and Trif.
That was definitely the wildest night of the week; we ended up meeting some absolutely crazy people.
Saturday, I was sort of all partied out, but dressed up as a black widow. (You’ll note it’s the same dress from last Halloween. That was $12 well spent.) We went to a house party, but it was literally so packed you couldn’t move. So we ended up back at my house.
Today, I have a migraine and am parked on the couch.
Bad news: camera isn’t working correctly. Good news: still under warranty. I will call them this week and hopefully get it fixed. If not, I need to find my Costco card so that I can return it.
Either way, not so great news. But on the plus side, I have not lost it or done anything to damage it. I feel as though Halloween isn’t usually a good day for cameras. Freshman year, mine was stolen in a bar.

I’ve realized that the theme of most crime committed against me is theft.
-robbed at DQ
-bike
-camera
-computer
Those are pretty big ticket items. Lame.
Here’s to karma, because I know it’s real. Somewhere, some unlucky thief is getting everything they deserve.

The next two weeks are going to be rather hellish, but I need to accomplish a few goals.

-Graduate school applications
-Get Rome stuff ready (if it’s a go)
-Make an appointment with my guidance counselor—register for classes
-Figure out when all of my finals are so I can get Christmas tickets
-Write my bondage paper
-Pass speech class–I have a speech to give next week, unfortunately
-Do a general cleaning of car, home and room–get my life in order
and finally, and on an upbeat note,
-finish the novel I’ve been reading.

I hope you all had a wonderful Halloween. I look forward to getting to see everyone at Thanksgiving.

I was thrilled to be able to have two costumes and to only spend about $30 this year. I bought tights, a cape and a bouquet of black roses. The cape took up most of the budget, but I do believe that it will be a very viable piece for costumes throughout the rest of my life.

Also, once I am able to upload photos from my camera (it may be Thanksgiving) but….I was at the grocery store with Maddie and Hunter. I jokingly said, “Let’s steal some pumpkins.” It turns out that they were free. We loaded up my car with them and took them home and carved them. Mine is a sort of owl-ish looking creature. It’s surprisingly adorable. I put little candles in him last night and he was the centerpiece of my decorations.

I walk for graduation on Friday (I think it’s the 13th of May but that might be a lie) night. So if you are looking to come to Chicago to hear my name called and then come and have cake, then perhaps this might be news you’ll be interested to hear.

But…it’s halloween weekend! I am thrilled, obviously and am hoping to make it a great Halloween. I’m hosting an afterparty that doesn’t start until midnight Halloween night, so I guess technically after Halloween is over.

Blah, raining and I’m late for bondage night.

It’s like I blink and my weekend is gone.
Friday night, I met Maddie downtown for free happy hour at Embassy Suites. (Here’s the secret: Save your Embassy Suites room keys.) Prior to that I had gone shopping for new pants at Forever 21 (I also got a beautiful blue fleece jacket/coat for like $30). I also bought some boots, but am sad to say that they don’t fit (way too big) and I’m hoping I’ll be able to return them. (Grrr…)
Then we went to Wrigleyville and settled ourselves at a bar to watch the Nuggets game. We were pretending to be each other based on the experience at the Embassy Suites where we pretended (not well, mind you) that we were from Fontier Airlines and were in town for a conference. It didn’t go great, but we talked some Irish guy into buying us shots. (ha, don’t ask. His green card -read Ireland, but we still didn’t believe him, my eyes–they’re gorgeous, apparently (ha), and a girl trying to sell us chewing tobacco –ew) We went home to find Hunter waiting for us to play poker. I lost badly due to my somewhat impaired state, but slept soundly.
You might have noticed that dinner didn’t figure into my night’s plans, and thus Saturday was a hellish day. By last night, I was feeling a bit improved so I went over to Hunter’s and played hostess to his party. My book that I’m reading is so amazing, I read until 3 in the morning. (The Angel’s Game by Carlos Ruiz Zafon.)
Tonight, trivia.
Today, football and online poker.
Tomorrow, return to the real world: babysitting, Speech class and then homework.
Tuesday: story due. (Haven’t started writing it yet, ooops.)
Wednesday: just class thank god. (I ran into my professor at Borders and she told me that my midterm looked good, so that’s a plus.)
Thursday: espanol
Friday: screenwriting and I’m on my way to another weekend.
(This week looks much better than last week as far as due dates are concerned)
Also, a netbook is out. I went and looked at them. They’re dinky. I want a MacBook Pro (the mid-sized one), so I’m going to wait it out and save up to get one. In the meantime, I’m hoping to get Katie’s old comptuer at Thanksgiving.

As usual, it’s Tuesday and I’m desperate for Friday.
But this week, it seems that if I can survive Wednesday, I’ll be alright. So tomorrow I have a test and a midterm and then a paper due by midnight, all of which I’m trying to get done right now in the library. As usual, I’m having problems concentrating, but it’s something that I feel has been eased by not having a computer.
I’m wracked with guilt if I check my Facebook or if I go to the lame blogs that I like to read about fashion or celebrities when I’m in the library, so I feel like this is a chance to really get some work done.
Last night, Hunter and I went over to our friend’s Nick and Emily’s house (grammer check here: if it is the house in which they both live, where does the apostrophe go? after Emily? or after both? I say after Emily but a girl in my class disagrees. Any help would be appreciated.) to watch the football game. I made Halloween cookies.
The whole weight battle that I seem to be undergoing might be in my head. I think it’s less than 10 pounds and I realize that everyone goes through periods of their life when being super skinny just isn’t an option. I went all veggie for a few days last week and I seemed to feel, if not look, better. So maybe it’s all about hydration and less sodium but in all honesty, it’s stress mostly right now. I know I’ll be stressed for the rest of my life but I’m not going to add stress by trying to dictate what I can and cannot eat. Hunter still thinks I look beautiful, so if he’s fine, I’m fine. Also, I wore different pants (my others were already a bit small and shrink in the dryer) and I feel better about that too.
Sorry.
I’m looking into getting a netbook. It’s like a mini-computer. It’d be something that I’d have for awhile and then possibly give to Mom (she has no idea of this plan, but I like the sound of it) when I get a new computer. But….that was just a thought. They look like they run under $400, which would be a good thing, especially since this whole not having a computer thing is getting really lame. I’d be able to do homework at home instead of having to be in school to get it done, something that I’d love. Also, Emily is going to be paying me the rest of the security deposit money (from when we moved into our apartment) soon and I would be able to get one with that money. So I’ll be looking into it a little more.
Weather holding steady in the fifties. I’m glad of that. I always seem to forget that the weather in Chicago usually holds at moderate until mid-November, when it definitely takes a turn for the worse. I’m unprepared as usual this year, but am finding that problem very far down on my list of things to do.
I have a new novel at home, so even though I’d love to sit and chat (ha,) I must attend to my homework before my brain exhausts itself and needs to remain dormant until tomorrow.

drink up, baby down
mmm, are you in or are you out
leave your things behind
’cause it’s all going off without you
excuse me, too busy you’re writing your tragedy
these mishaps
you bubble wrap
when you’ve no idea what you’re like

so let go, jump in
oh well, whatcha waiting for
it’s alright
’cause there’s beauty in the breakdown
so let go, just get in
oh, it’s so amazing here
it’s alright
’cause there’s beauty in the breakdown

it gains the more it gives
and then it rises with the fall
so hand me that remote
can’t you see that all that stuff’s a sideshow

such boundless pleasure
we’ve no time for later now
you can’t await your own arrival
you’ve 20 seconds to comply

so let go, jump in
oh well, whatcha waiting for
it’s alright
’cause there’s beauty in the breakdown
so let go, just get in
oh, it’s so amazing here
it’s alright
’cause there’s beauty in the breakdown
-Frou Frou

(Those lyrics are on one of the greatest soundtracks ever: The Garden State soundtrack. In high school, during those oh-so-emotionally-tenuous years, I’d put on a hot bath and sit there with my portable CD player [and then later, my iPod] and just let the songs take me away. That sounds incredibly cliche, I know, but what was my adolescence but one huge cliche really? That’s not true, but you understand.)

I’m sure you’ve heard the good news by now: pre-cancer free! I’m thrilled to death. Not quite to death, but close enough.

Stress, as usual. Skipped Spanish today to sleep. Haven’t missed it yet and it’s well past Fall Break. Consider that a small success.

Hunter and I have been together a year today. I still remember cropping Ian out of a picture so that I could post it here. It’s a picture of him kissing my cheek long before he’d ever put the thought of us together. We are escaping for a weekend away in Northern Wisconsin, leaving tomorrow at noon. I wish I could say I’ll post pictures, but I’ll take them, I promise.

I got the book I’ve been waiting for today! It came in the mail (I couldn’t wait for it come out in hardcover but wouldn’t dream of spending $30 on it, so I ordered it off of half.com). It’s called “The Angel’s Game” and it’s by the same author who wrote “the Shadow of the Wind,” Carlos Ruiz Zafon. If you need anything to read ever, read that book. It brought my love of language back.

Anyway, off to bondage night at the Club. Want so desperately to post pictures.

Feeling much better healthwise. I’ve decided to cut as much sodium as possible (problematic as I love salt) and up the fiber. So lots of vegetables. But that’s not been horrible. Squash tonight. It’s in the oven right now.

I have decided that when I have the money, I’m going to get a MacBook Pro. It’s the same computer that Mike has, and I think it’ll serve me well. More on that later, though. I would like to contain my excitement as the purchase is a long way off. I’m just frustrated because I feel so set back. I was planning on spending my graduation money (let’s not lie, graduation is the perfect time for gifts. not in a greedy way, but reality) on my summer in Europe, but right now, it seems like that’s not even in the cards anymore. I’m devastated, but I understand that life has a way of trying to tell you things. So I need to focus on next year and perhaps a summer in South America instead of Rome.
Hunter promised me that if we ever get married, he’ll take me to Rome. (don’t tell him I told you that.)