I often wonder if Virginia Woolf and I would have gotten along splendidly.
Then I thank G/god that I never knew her.

I am remarkable at existing, I’ve discovered. In the times when I have very little to hope for (besides everything the future brings), the times that I find myself alone, I also find myself content, to a certain extent. And whenever I feel overwhelmed by the solitude, I think of that semester spent in Denver, the semester when I was very nearly alone (you’re never quite alone, but you know what I mean). I was satisfied. I took long bike rides. I happen to enjoy long bike rides. My leg muscles enjoyed them as well.
And then I think about calling some of my friends. Friends exhaust me. I hate the upkeep, I really do. And thus, I’m terrified that I will spend the rest of my life alone.
I’m a horrible decision maker, if you haven’t noticed.

I think once I get to Denver, it might be time to trade the mountain bike in for a road bike or one that is a combination of the two. Oh just get a better mountain bike and then actually go riding down mountains with it. People here judge the mountain bike when they see it.

I didn’t get down to fight my parking ticket today, so I’m going to do it before I babysit tomorrow. \

I found out that they’re officially official today.

Commentary on the population of my marketing class: tons of kids with curly hair, for some reason.
The professor is nearly seventy five years old but I have a feeling I’m going to like him even though the class looks as though it’s going to be an endless exercise in patience and utter boredom. I stayed after class on Monday to talk to him about the economy because I’m the only sort-of-super-senior in the class and he was interested about my job prospects. So that’s a good start.
He drones on and on, but I feel as though he’s got a lot to say. So I’m listening.
Bad start, however: new edition of the book. $150. Great. The library doesn’t have it, so I shelled out the money for it. But on the bright side, I’ll either make probably half of it back selling it at the end of the semester or I’ll be able to keep it to use it for grad school.
I need to find a math tutor in Denver for August on the off chance I take the GMAT before I depart for S. Africa. I’d like to start the application process and then hopefully start school during the fall semester of 2011. But who knows? I don’t know where I want to go, but I’m assuming I’d like to stay in Denver. The University of Colorado at Denver program is looking better and better everyday. Cheap, as far as grad school goes.

This is a mid-post edit to say that I’ve started writing like Hemingway in that I like to link sentences together with “and” and then just ramble. So sorry. Please think of it as an homage to a great writer (debatable) and don’t think I’m someone who’s taken very little time to write lately.
However:
I walked again today, choosing a route that would take me down the main streets that head north to south to the immediate west of the lake. It’s strange to know that you’re so close to one of the largest bodies of water in the world and yet you can’t see it, can’t feel it, don’t really know it’s there. If it weren’t for all of the apartment building advertising lakeside living, you’d never know you were int he vicinity of a lake.
The city was hot today. It smelled like trash and water and people and hot concrete and exhaust and laundry and cooking food and everything I love.
I walked and there was chaos erupting around me and I went through it and away.
Elderly people ran across the sidewalk out of shadows to flag down a bus that didn’t stop, driving past them up the road.
An old man holding a big cigarette of some sort walked past me at an intersection, obviously annoyed by my presence in his walking lane. He wore the white Reeboks so popular in his generation and those headphones that aren’t attached to anything, but instead must be a radio of some sort. He smoked, he walked, he passed me and then I passed him, wading through the crowd of smoke and then I was gone and he was behind.
I walked and I walked and the sun shone down on me and the city moved around me and I moved in it. (This is where the above mid-post edit came into being.)
I’ve been alone lately and I’m not sure how I feel about it. I think I like it, but I’m not motivated, so I think I’m still just absorbing the alone time. I’m like that. Sometimes the decompression takes me a lot longer than I think it will. Sometimes I just need to do nothing (this includes not cleaning) to right myself in the world. Today I made some chicken salad with cranberries and apples and then did some dishes. I looked into applying at a temp agency in Chicago and then promptly got scared. Not quite the productive day I was hoping to have, but one I can live with.
I’m going to ask Madeline tonight how the process works to hopefully alleviate some of my fear. It’s the fear. I just need to get over it. I need to get a nice business outfit, go on a few interviews, and find an office job doing ANYTHING. And then I’ll feel comfortable and be more confident with my work ability.
Dairy Queen was a great job but it was also wildly detrimental to my professional development. I never had to interview, Todd hired me on the spot right after I turned in my application. The “interview” he gave me was basically asking me where I went to school and when I could start. I will never forget how terrified I was my first day on the job but I also got really comfortable really quick. My assimilation into the job was complete. Five years later, I still sort of worked there and now I”m finding myself without a lot of interview experience.
I often return to the interview I had my sophomore year of college at a place called Kim’s Cupcakes in downtown Chicago. I didn’t get the job. I often wonder what I did wrong, and I’m sure it was many things. But if I couldn’t even get that job (selling over-priced cupcakes to rich people), how am I ever going to be able to get a legitimate professional position?
People always ask me what kind of job I want. I have no idea. I don’t know job titles. I don’t know positions that I qualify for. I don’t know this or that or anything. And then I get scared. And the fear prevents me from taking a deep breath and realizing I’m just as qualified as anybody for anything. (not really, but you know what I mean, hopefully)
Tomorrow, I’m gathering up all of my gumption and marching down to the City of Chicago offices and demanding that they release me from the bonds of my ticket. I’ve been negligent and they’ve been assholes, and while that won’t be my principal argument, it will weigh heavily on my mind as I shove my registration in their faces and make them read the plain English stamped on the back. “30 day grace period” will echo through the room and the heavy sound of justice being handed down will ring throughout the room, shocking everyone there. I’ll walk out triumphantly, wearing a smile of patience and the city employees will remain behind, shaking their heads apologetically, as though my inconvenience was of their creation.
In reality, it won’t be like that.
It will involve me practicing deep breathing techniques. It will involve me trying not to yell. It will involve dissolution of the ticket, though, no matter how hard I have to work for it.

While I was home, the neighbor drove by while I was vacuuming Simon and asked me what I was doing [with my life]. As has become my custom, I lifted my shoulders in the universal, “I have no clue” gesture and responded that I was taking some time off. “Not going to law school?” he asked. I keep forgetting that I spent a good portion of my life with the intentions of being a lawyer. (And by good portion I mean like a decade and a half…I’m flashing back to my third grade Halloween costume right now…Mom’s graduation robes and a gavel) “I have too much of a soul for that,” I said. He laughed and then agreed with me.
Wealthy is as wealthy does, and I might be too nice for all of that.
But part of me wants to take the LSAT and see how I do, just for kicks. Maybe I will. It’ll be practice for the GMAT.

Also, Mike and I have decided South Africa. And for Mom, who will be wildly worried the entire time we’re there, I read an ad about Verizon now having service over there. So we can hook up our cell phones. Yes!! (not about the cell phones)
Yes!
Yes!
I’m going to South Africa!

After the heat of the day had passed, I grabbed my iPod and left the apartment. I walked down past the campus, past the entrance to Lake Shore Drive and then onto the lake path. I walked and I walked and I walked and then I turned and went back up Broadway. I passed the bank that used to belong to the family of a Senate candidate. I passed the pub that only has three things on its menu. I passed all the windows, all the people and I realized I was in love. 

Sunburned, of course. Spray sunscreen is not a great idea in the Windy City.

It’s hot here tonight. Cat and I are settled in the living room, fans on and windows hoping, hoping for the air to cool down soon. Too hot to think.

Watching “Hoarders” on A&E. I always say, “I might need this someday,” and Maddie teases me about becoming a hoarder, however, I believe that I do understand that there is a place for everything. It’s sad to hear the answers that these people have, and it’s sad to see their families reacting. This man is collecting beer when he doesn’t even drink. He’s got a garage full of beer, a house full of matchbooks and other baseball memorabilia.

Too hot to think.

Remind me to post about fate, death and then the living again. But before I forget, I need to tell you how wonderful it was today to lay on the beach, in the sun, listening to the waves and the birds and the children. Happiness is sunshine and a warm summer day.

Going to apply at some temp agencies this week just to see if I can get some extra work (and therefore money) during the next month. I start school tomorrow. One class.

away we go….

expect a post tomorrow afternoon, my apologies for not posting anything sooner.

It was a much faster journey than I’d expected. Around one in the morning mountain standard time, driving through eastern Colorado, the rain hit. I had already debated pulling over; I was starting to get tired and uncomfortable. The lightning pushed me over the edge, though, and I pulled over to sleep.
Two hours late, I was back on the road. I pulled on our street at 3:55 Denver time.

The drive was nice; the new iPod is wonderful. Simon got incredible gas mileage, as always. My back starts to hurt about seven hours into a drive, and it doesn’t stop. Whether or not I’m tired, I sometimes want to stop and stretch it but I know the only solution is to lay down. So it’s a push to get to the destination quickly.

I started out happily enough but sometime after the sun went down, with the nasty clouds on the horizon, ahead of me, around me, above me, I felt my spirits sink. All of a sudden, despair washed over me. Normally I’m very good at figuring out why I’m feeling a certain way, and can pinpoint it to a certain event. But this was either not caused by any singular event or was something further-reaching.

I think it’s a combination of my lack of personal accomplishments at this point in my life and the fact that I can’t seem to get ahead of it all. I’m lost, wandering aimlessly, with no direction and no ties. Part of me doesn’t want to move to Denver, but I’ve got nowhere else to go. Part of me wonders if I’ll be able to get out of this slump eventually. (of course I will….but when?)

I know this is normal. I know that tons of people my age are feeling this. And since I’m one of those people who really feels emotions, I’m feeling them about ten times more than most. I’ve got aspirations, but I’ve also got the inability to feel capable. I want to immerse myself in something meaningful, so that I can start fully realizing my potential. I want to feel necessary, to feel strengthened, to feel successful, to feel driven. I’m not driven toward any given point at the moment, but I think this stems from my lack of knowledge of the careers that I am fit for. I’m going to go on that journey, I’m going to go do my business internship and see the world, and when I come back, I can begin living the life I want for myself.

Also, in a shocking twist of letting go, my first act as a better, more whole person is going to be letting go of the hatred that I feel for Emily. I’ve been living in a state of paranoia, distrust and anger. The theft of my laptop and the subsequent lack of apology and conclusion; the betrayal of me after the break up with Hunter, during which she set him up with his current girlfriend; other things around the house that have always bothered me like the invasion of my personal privacy and the usage of my things. She’s leaving, and hopefully I’ll be gone by the time she returns and then I’ll be able to feel better about the entire situation.
I’m holding onto all of it and she has no idea I’m angry, which is another source of frustration. I would like her to understand how I feel without the drama that will stem from a confrontation. I wish I could explain my feelings without being afraid of her reaction. I don’t know that I’ll ever get to do that, and so I’m going to let it go. I’m going to accept this as a learning experience. You can’t trust anyone; you should never mix money and friendship; not everyone has the same values of respect and responsibility. I’m going to take away a wealth of knowledge, of information, of personal growth.

I’m also ditching the man in my life for something new and different. He’s not giving me what I deserve and I’m getting sick of it. I need someone intelligent, driven and thoughtful, but who likes to party. It’s a delicate balance, and I’m not sure I’ll find that. I need someone who respects me for what I am but who pushes me to do something better. It’s going to be awhile, I think. I want someone settled and a bit more mature, but I’m still not quite the woman that that sort of man is going to want.  So…I guess I’ll have a good couple of years before I settle down again. But I think I’m starting to mature in that sense, too. I’m starting to crave that stability. Who’d have ever thought? I’ll be interested to watch this progress.

As an improper post-script:
I really appreciated everyone coming out to see me graduate. It really meant a lot to me. I’m sorry that I had to leave my own celebratory dinner, but trust me, it was worth it. I love you all dearly and I”m so grateful for my family. I hope you all enjoyed your time in Chicago as much as I enjoyed having you there!

I’m going to preface this by saying that my thought process was interrupted by the sounds of the street sweeper going by. Of course, he has to navigate around my car. Damn it. I literally had no idea we were engaging in street sweeping today.
Oh, third sweep, it’s like rubbing salt in a wound. Do they seriously need to sweep the street three times? It rained for like six hours last night.
Well I guess I know why I’m babysitting tonight.
Fourth sweep. Can you hear it? It’s like the sound of bank account grim reaper, wet dollar bills rustling beneath its wiry cloak, driving onward and away.
This is getting ridiculous. Fifth sweep. Stop! The street is fine! I’m not moving my car!

Instead of doing the cleaning I was supposed to do all week, I’m going to think back.
Four years ago, I was all ready to graduate from Mullen. We were so excited; we felt like we owned the world. Nobody had any idea what lay in store for us.
Flash forward to now. We’re joyous, as you’d expect, but terrified. No one has a plan, or a job, or anything set for the future. Some are going to grad school. But everything is changing. We’re all going home, or somewhere new, across the country.
I’ve got a tentative plan, but who doesn’t?
I’ve learned a lot in four years, as one might have expected. I’ve learned a lot about people, and the human condition. I’ve learned a lot about love. Two serious relationships have taught me what I don’t want. One of those left me with a best friend, the other, an angry ex. I’ve had some friends, gained some friends, lost some friends, met some great people, been entertained, angered, exhilarated. I’ve found myself, maybe.
I’ve begun my romance novel and seen it crash to the ground after 20 pages of mess. Perhaps I’ll pick it up some day and begin all over again.
I’ve failed. I’ve excelled. I’ve learned how to fend for myself. I’ve learned about different cultures, different races, and why some people will never know tolerance.
I’ve learned some English and some other stuff. I’ve learned I should have tried harder, that I should have been more involved. I’ve learned a lot. If i could re-do college right now with all I’ve learned, I’d do it a lot differently.
I’ve moved back to Denver with the intent of staying there. I’ve found myself unable to stay and so I came back here. Now I’m worried I won’t want to be there anymore. What if I can’t get settled? What if I don’t re-acclimate well? What if I never make friends? What if I never succeed? At finding a job? At life?
These are juvenile fears, but part of what I’m realizing is that everything you thought you’d be is all a lie and everything you worry about now only magnifies with time. It’s not that as an adult you’re capable; it’s that’s you have to pretend you’re fine.
We’ve survived cancer scares, surgeries, kidneys, trouble. I’ve grown more seriously able to handle situations no one can ever be prepared for.
In this time, I want to travel. Mike and I have been looking at going off to volunteer now for awhile, and last night, a friend of mine offered the same thing. I’m thinking the three of us should go and live and be in a different place, long before we have significant others, jobs, lives, hopes, etc.
The only thing each of us would leave behind is a loved one; between the three of we have three pets: a yellow lab, a black cat and a gray rabbit. Something tells me you’re not allowed to bring a cat to Africa, although I’m sure Cat would be over the moon with excitement.
But I want to go. I’m seriously debating it. Why not spend four months (and an ungodly sum of money I don’t have) doing something crazy in another place? Two internships. Human rights and business. Two countries. Four months. Sounds wonderful. Sounds like my resume would be a little bigger at the end of that experience. Graduate schools want stuff like that. I want the experience. Why not get it in India? or Ghana? or Nepal? (I just really want to go to Nepal but they don’t have either of the internships I’m interested in. Lame. But maybe I’ll go anyway, just to meditate.)

See what I just did? That was successful adult thinking. Switch from something to something else. Shift from the past to the future.
We’ve survived tears (buckets of them) to reach the point where I can leave home without anyone crying. (This started a couple years ago, don’t think it was like April when I stopped crying)
We’ll survive this, too.

I’m excited to see everyone who’s making the journey out to see me. I hope you guys are excited too. In all honesty, though, I’m dreading the ceremony (no rehearsal) but I’m graduating in bejeweled-knock-off-Birkenstocks, so that will be fun. (That was officially a run-on sentence. I have no desire to change it.)

I will tell you that some things haven’t changed. I was at a friend’s house the other night and out of nowhere, he asked me what was the matter.
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” I responded. “Why?”
“You stopped talking.”
Pause.
“Not that it’s a bad thing.”
Pause.
“I mean, not like that…” and then there was the hurried explanation that of course he likes it when I talk, etc. etc.
But it made me laugh.

I’m going to go move my car. This is getting ridiculous.

Moody, for some reason.
Spent the day alone. While I realize that it’s going to be my future, I’m still sort of stressed out about it. I’m not really social but I guess I am more social than I think I am.
Tomorrow is going to be my big day of cleaning. Today was my lump around day. Tomorrow: Simon and then the house. Kitchen, bathroom, living room, and oh dear, my room.
On the plus side, Cat is much happier with me. I did some research today and I realized that he looks to me as his alpha cat. I sent Mom a good morning this is a cat picture this morning, but she wasn’t really a fan.

I got an A in Social Work! We’re waiting on one more grade to come rolling in before we know the final score of college. ha, looking the final push has my GPA hovering around 3.1. That I can live with.

oh, by the way, the next apartment needs a bathtub. I’ve suffered dearly for four years and I’d prefer not to have to do so any longer. This, perhaps?:

At 2 minutes to 9 this morning I was printing my paper.
At 9:00, I was sliding in the door of the classroom.
At 9:35 I was up presenting, telling jokes and being alive.
At 11:24 I am exhausted and very ready for sleep.
At 11:34 I will be on my way to Maddie’s house so that her, Carolyn, Anna and I (maybe Katie, unless she’s at work) can go get Taco Bell.
Is sleep on the menu today?
Maybe not.

But it doesn’t matter: I’M DONE WITH COLLEGE!! (mostly)

the final countdown (do-doo-do-doo-do-do-do-do) –the song.
Can you tell it’s 2am?

less than 9 hours!

4 of my grades are already in and considering how much studying I did this semester (none), I’m pretty impressed:

Spanish  B-
(I got EXACTLY the same grade on the final as I did on the midterm: 86)

Topics in Gender Studies B-

Advanced Reporting B

Statistics  A-

and then I asked my social work teacher on Thursday how I was doing and she said A, so I’m redoing my final paper (just to suck up) so that I have a solid A

and then I’m finishing a paper tonight/tomorrow morning (there is about to be a nap) and then giving a presentation starting at 9am…..for Women’s and Gender Studies and I’m totally going to get a B+ or an A- or maybe an A, but maybe not.

All in all, graduating with a 3.1 GPA.
(Not bad, considering)

To save money, I’m dropping my third minor. (boo) and taking only 1 class in the summer (marketing 201) and then living the dream.

Big, wide world, here I come!

Mom told me she was proud of me today.