Mixed Emotions: Muddled Time

It was a much faster journey than I’d expected. Around one in the morning mountain standard time, driving through eastern Colorado, the rain hit. I had already debated pulling over; I was starting to get tired and uncomfortable. The lightning pushed me over the edge, though, and I pulled over to sleep.
Two hours late, I was back on the road. I pulled on our street at 3:55 Denver time.

The drive was nice; the new iPod is wonderful. Simon got incredible gas mileage, as always. My back starts to hurt about seven hours into a drive, and it doesn’t stop. Whether or not I’m tired, I sometimes want to stop and stretch it but I know the only solution is to lay down. So it’s a push to get to the destination quickly.

I started out happily enough but sometime after the sun went down, with the nasty clouds on the horizon, ahead of me, around me, above me, I felt my spirits sink. All of a sudden, despair washed over me. Normally I’m very good at figuring out why I’m feeling a certain way, and can pinpoint it to a certain event. But this was either not caused by any singular event or was something further-reaching.

I think it’s a combination of my lack of personal accomplishments at this point in my life and the fact that I can’t seem to get ahead of it all. I’m lost, wandering aimlessly, with no direction and no ties. Part of me doesn’t want to move to Denver, but I’ve got nowhere else to go. Part of me wonders if I’ll be able to get out of this slump eventually. (of course I will….but when?)

I know this is normal. I know that tons of people my age are feeling this. And since I’m one of those people who really feels emotions, I’m feeling them about ten times more than most. I’ve got aspirations, but I’ve also got the inability to feel capable. I want to immerse myself in something meaningful, so that I can start fully realizing my potential. I want to feel necessary, to feel strengthened, to feel successful, to feel driven. I’m not driven toward any given point at the moment, but I think this stems from my lack of knowledge of the careers that I am fit for. I’m going to go on that journey, I’m going to go do my business internship and see the world, and when I come back, I can begin living the life I want for myself.

Also, in a shocking twist of letting go, my first act as a better, more whole person is going to be letting go of the hatred that I feel for Emily. I’ve been living in a state of paranoia, distrust and anger. The theft of my laptop and the subsequent lack of apology and conclusion; the betrayal of me after the break up with Hunter, during which she set him up with his current girlfriend; other things around the house that have always bothered me like the invasion of my personal privacy and the usage of my things. She’s leaving, and hopefully I’ll be gone by the time she returns and then I’ll be able to feel better about the entire situation.
I’m holding onto all of it and she has no idea I’m angry, which is another source of frustration. I would like her to understand how I feel without the drama that will stem from a confrontation. I wish I could explain my feelings without being afraid of her reaction. I don’t know that I’ll ever get to do that, and so I’m going to let it go. I’m going to accept this as a learning experience. You can’t trust anyone; you should never mix money and friendship; not everyone has the same values of respect and responsibility. I’m going to take away a wealth of knowledge, of information, of personal growth.

I’m also ditching the man in my life for something new and different. He’s not giving me what I deserve and I’m getting sick of it. I need someone intelligent, driven and thoughtful, but who likes to party. It’s a delicate balance, and I’m not sure I’ll find that. I need someone who respects me for what I am but who pushes me to do something better. It’s going to be awhile, I think. I want someone settled and a bit more mature, but I’m still not quite the woman that that sort of man is going to want.  So…I guess I’ll have a good couple of years before I settle down again. But I think I’m starting to mature in that sense, too. I’m starting to crave that stability. Who’d have ever thought? I’ll be interested to watch this progress.

As an improper post-script:
I really appreciated everyone coming out to see me graduate. It really meant a lot to me. I’m sorry that I had to leave my own celebratory dinner, but trust me, it was worth it. I love you all dearly and I”m so grateful for my family. I hope you all enjoyed your time in Chicago as much as I enjoyed having you there!

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