Blues, among other things

I babysat the three little boys for the last time last night.
Blaise is two now, and he can annunciate my name. Hunter and Luke will be five in September, so we talked about me leaving and they told me that maybe they’d go on vacation while I was gone too, but wanted to know if I’d be back for their birthday. When I told them I’d be gone, Hunter looked at me and said, “Maybe you can come over the day before.”
We had a good night. Two of them weren’t feeling well, so we made juice popsicles and watched too much Thomas the Tank Engine. I choked back tears while we were reading stories, and then again when I put Blaise to bed. I’ve always had a special bond with him; he’s such a happy baby.
Then, things got bad. I put Luke to bed in the boys’ room and he wanted me to sing to him, so I asked him what he wanted. “A song about you,” he said, so I sang something. “Actually,” he said after I’d badly sung a short, made-up song, “tell me a story about you.” So we talked about them, and Carlos, and life.
I told him I loved him and tucked him in and then went to find Hunter, who was in the other room. He wanted to sing to me, he said. He hummed me a song and then asked me what my favorite part was. “The middle,” I answered.
“It’s Tinkerbell’s birthday song,” he said. “Now you sing me one.”
I hummed Blackbird.
And then I cried.
They gave me a beautiful card and each of the boys gave me a piece of paper they’d decorated.
It’s been a wild two years, but as I told her when I left, I’m wildly more prepared for motherhood. I remember when I had just started with them and I’d find myself overwhelmed at times. Now, I can weather tantrums calmly without being stressed at all. Last night, there were those tired tears that only sleep can solve, a problem so simple it wasn’t, and Luke telling me he had to have popsicles by midnight. The only problem? They weren’t frozen yet.
I looked at him and I said, “What do you think will happen if you don’t have one before midnight instead of waiting until tomorrow?”
He thought about it.
“Nothing too bad, right?” I said. “Now, you may have banana or applesauce.”
The tears continued, but I continued doing what I had been doing and I didn’t bat an eye. Later it was applesauce that solved the problem.

After I got home last night, I called my friend Patrick (who met Maddie a few months ago on his first night in Chicago) and told him I wanted to go out. Then I called my new Irish friend (how funny is it that we majored in the same thing? However, he also has a Master’s degree and I do not) and asked him what he was doing. He was at a blues place. So Patrick and I went. The place has two stages, and the musicians switch back and forth between the two all night. One of their group had talked to the musicians after the first set, and they invited him up to play with them. The club was open until 3:30, so we stayed there as long as we could. (I’d only gotten there around one.)
I ended up home with McDonald’s breakfast around six thirty, and I managed to find what I believe is legal parking (it’s street sweeping day, but there weren’t any signs) so all is well. That group of guys is hilarious. They’re seven guys here for the summer, excited to meet American girls, but so far have only met Irish ones (and me, but I don’t think I count. They keep asking me if I have girl friends. I tell them I’m working on it). I have thoroughly enjoyed the couple of weeks I’ve had with them and am going to be sad to miss their summer here.

Mike gets in tonight! I’m not sure what we’re going to do, I have a huge final tomorrow, and still think I’m going to write a six page paper, but haven’t decided yet, so it might be a laid back night in.
I’m miserably unprepared for this move and it’s starting to make me nervous. I know that I don’t have much to do in Colorado, but Dad is leaving just before I get to his house and the idea of being somewhere unfamiliar at a high-stress time with Carlos and other cats is stressing me out. I’m employed, though! I start at Subway next week. I’m about to the best qualified “sandwich artist” that ever lived.
But South African preparations must begin.
Ah, summer. Hopefully Denver is ready for me.

Matisse and a Picture Post

I’m prefacing this post by saying that it’s about 85 degrees in my apartment right now. My brain is being slowly over-cooked. Also, the bugs have taken this warm weather as an opportunity to crawl around. I don’t mind them, but I do.
Maddie and I are switching back and forth between “Say Yes to the Dress” and “SportsCenter.” That very much sums up our lives.

Today I joined my friends Greg and Carolyn at the Art Institute downtown. The city was hot and muggy, but full of energy because this morning was the Blackhawks’ Stanley Cup celebration parade. The streets were full of people dressed in bright red, hot but happy. We spent a pleasant afternoon perusing parts of the museum; we saw an exhibit featuring many Chicago artists trained at the Art Institute (SAIC). Then we went and saw the Matisse exhibit. I generally stay away from modern art, so I don’t know a whole lot about it, but having Greg as a tour guide added to my experience.
I’m in the middle of attempting to upload my photos of Matisse (only one, since photography was prohibited and I had to sneak it) and also of my one true love, the Impressionists.
                                      
                                                                   Below, Lake Michigan.

If you quint, you can see me! I’m wearing a blue Oxford and brown shorts in the bottom right, below! 
Above, a man whose suit was tremendously horrible. It was part chartreuse and part rust, and when he walked, it seemed to change color in the light. And he has Gene Wilder hair circa the “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory” era. Scary.

                                      
                                          

Above, the Art Institute lions wearing hockey helmets.
I’ve been thus unable to retrieve my pictures from today, so be sure to check back because I’m going to post them tomorrow (or whenever I get them…apparently my 3G isn’t so hot right now, or the fact that I’m trying to simultaneously email 25 pictures from my cell phone may have slowed progress). But I want to talk about Matisse a bit, so it might be worth it. 

Post-bar crawl

The bar crawl benefitting the Chicago Children’s Hospital was a wild success. Madeline and I drew on mustaches with liquid eyeliner. Hers was small and possibly French and mine was a wild handlebar-curved-sort-of-ordeal.

We had a great time. Our friend Patrick brought his friend Duane and we went around to the bars. It was crowded, and we were glad that we’d been able to bring side beers with us. It definitely softened the financial blow and allowed us to add a little bit more, uh, refreshment to our afternoon. We made it through about half the ones on the list before we were sidetracked by a group of Irish/other people we met. And that’s where things got interesting.
Maddie walked off to go the bathroom and I didn’t see her for the rest of the night. She was on her way to get a cheeseburger when she decided to head home. (I heard from her, though, don’t think I’d ever let her just walk away unattended.) I stayed with the boys and we stayed with our new friends, abandoning the bar crawl for pitchers at a bar next to Wrigley, or “the cubs stadium,” as the Irish tweeted from my phone.
Somehow, we ended up on the train and then a bus and then the South Side on our way to a party,  which was not a great plan in that I was not as patient as I could have been, so we ended up heading back up north. I came out of yesterday with a twelve-pack of Bud Light that some guy bought and then left, so I feel like it was a success.
Today was understandably a very relaxed day. I lounged. I made sun tea. I ate strawberries. I drank Vitamin Water. I snuggled the cat.
Tonight, Maddie and I are ordering Chinese food and watching the MTV movie awards because a comedian that we love, Aziz Ansari, is hosting.
Expect a post about teen pregnancy at some point soon. (Obviously not my own teen pregnancy….but teen pregnancy in general.)

Juice.

It went well.
Of course it did, I was foolish to think it wouldn’t.

I slept badly last night. Tortured by dreams that I couldn’t escape from, I woke to find myself in an uneasy melancholy. Apparently, I was talking in my sleep all night. I’m upset by something, I know what, and I don’t know how to let it go except to give it time.
Time. Screw time and feelings. I hate not knowing what other people are thinking. I hate wishing I could have something I can’t. I hate that I had it for just a second before life got in the way.

I drove downtown this morning to make sure that Emily got to her law school open house alright and realized how much this city has meant to me. In a strange way, I belong in Chicago. I’ve never loved Loyola, but I’ve loved Chicago. I have a fascination with the train. I still love the train. There’s something so raw and unguarded about it, something so connected and yet so fragile and broken. You are forced to sit around people you don’t like, forced to interact, or merely to react to the those around you. It’s beautiful. It’s dirty. It smells. It’s so satisfying and so stressfully slow. I love to sit with a book, lost for half an hour until I feel the train start to descend past Fullerton, the slide into the tunnel. Then the darkness comes and the rattling is somehow magnified by the proxomity of the walls.

But what is home? Everyone’s moving back and forth and here and there, and I’ve realized that as much as I’d like to stay here, for awhile, I can’t. I want to be in Colorado, to start my life there. Even though the city begs me to stay, I’m afraid if I do, I’ll never leave. I can’t fathom the idea of trying to raise children in a city like Chicago, and although it would be a wonderful place to get my social work grounding, I’d prefer to start my career somewhere comfortable.

Blegh, another blog with no purpose, only rambling. Perhaps the morning can bring a sweeter sleep?

Money is the root of all evil

There are days when I realize how much I really love my mom and how great a job she did raising me.
Ha, I realize that sounded a little funny, because I’m not some high-paid executive with a bright future. I’m just her daughter, the one that has all the weird issues, who lives in Chicago, who finally has a nice boyfriend, who believes in karma, whose car got smashed, who loves her life, who is going through so much weird trouble it’s insane, who can’t imagine what she’s going to do after college, who’s considering grad school, who loves her mother so much.

I sat on the phone with her for like an hour and a half today, just talking about life and everything in it. Talking about Hunter, our future, his future, my future, our relationship, Emily, the money issue, values, belief systems, life, school, the Dominick’s/Safeway regional manager, rent, money, etc. It’s hot today here, hot like I’ve not felt all summer.

Also, in relatively lame news, I may have been exposed to Hepatitis C when I was in the hospital in January for surgery. How fail is that? Some crazy nurse lady was stealing painkillers, injecting them into herself and then leaving the dirty syringes filled with saline for the patients. So I received a certified letter informing me of my possible exposure and then they told me they’d like to test me. Great. Love getting tested for Hep C. It’s going to be awesome.
Good news though: out of the 5700 people possibly exposed, only like 7 have it. So hopefully I won’t be number 8.

Ah, money, the thing we can’t live without. The thing that drives us and drives us nuts.
Hunter is stressed out right now, and I don’t blame him. He’s hoping to get a second job at Starbucks (free coffee and health benefits!), so that should be nice.
I’m hoping to survive summer school. I’ve got a small part in an independent film shooting in August and I’m helping one of my professors cast a movie this next week.

Busy enough.

The Dominicks/Safeway regional manager called me today. He apologized, listened to me tell him that I was treated like a criminal, explained the policy (which is absolutely moronic, in my very valid opinion), I told him I understood the policy, but questioned its implementation. This exchange went on for quite awhile. In the end, I got a sort of apology, the promise that the store manager will be hearing from him personally, etc. etc. I told him not to get the workers in trouble, but that it was the manager and his female goon that embarrassed me and hurt my opinion of the integrity of the store. So you know, we evened out. Whatever. At least my emails got the attention of the regional manager. I feel a little bit better about that.

Well, a nice summer party tonight. Emily is out of town, so I’m heading down to South Michigan Ave to a friend’s, where we will all hang out.

Good day.

Home

We arrived, straggling in on the edge of distress, driving manically, desperate to sign the papers.
Keys in hand, we marched through the iron gate, through the doors, up the stairs, up the stairs, up the stairs, up the stairs. Home. There we were. Ours.
We locked the bikes in the basement, we hauled things through the back. Tired, limbs shaking, we sat, two broken families finding consolation in our smallest triumphs, sipping liquid from the local 7-11 and conversing amid the piles scattered everywhere.
The dollar store, cheap purchases adding up, buying the things that we knew we’d need.
A quick shower, finally!
Dinner, guests, late night discussion.
Things wound down, wound up and all around, the night air lifted the curtains and blew them toward our sleeping forms.
We are home.
It’s ours and we love it.

Gone.

We’re getting ready, steadily moving forward, changing the plan. There’s been a lot of yelling and frustration about something that should have been simple. It’s hard for me to part with my stuff.
I find myself most content when I have less, yet I have this compulsion to always have more. It’s a fact; it’s not a habit; it’s something I cannot yet change. Maybe as I ease into adulthood and come into being as my own person, I will be able to forego the material and embrace the singular ideal of life without clutter.
Remember when Mom and Dad got divorced and Mike and I lived out of duffel bags? I have decided that this is where my need for stuff comes from, the idea that perhaps I won’t have something for a few days, the idea that someone else will take it and I’ll never see it again, the idea that I’ll be somewhere and not have what I need with me.
It’s odd.
The new, revized Plan Z is this: Mom and Mike are leaving Denver at noon on the 7th. I leave before them, in the early morning hours. We meet in Chicago on Friday afternoon, sign the lease, hand over ridiculous amounts of money, open the doors to my new life and then settle in. Then they leave.
It’s great, really. Hopefully this will eliminate the need for a.) shippping and b.) plane tickets for Mom. Maybe we will save money, maybe we will not. At this point, it’s not about that anymore. It’s about the fact that all of this is happening in four days.
I can’t wait.
I have things to tell everyone, things I have mulled over and over.
But the thing I have to tell you is: I want to go abroad. I want to pack a bag and then just leave. I would like that very much.

Let’s embrace what we have left of everything.