There are those moments of immense self-satisfaction – they are few and far between, although I’d love nothing more than to make them more of a constant. I’ve been having periods of intense introspection lately, and most of it is wonderful. I’m realizing that the adult that I’m shaping up to be is the kind of adult that I very much want to be. It’s exciting to become aware of my own motivations, the things that guide me. They have not changed much over the years; to love and be loved, to be independent, to be kind, to enjoy my life. But what has changed is my ability to accept. Rather than focusing so intently on the negative, I’ve been able to come into my own and embrace everything that I am. Integrity is something I find highly attractive. I think most of it is the honesty that I crave. And I’ve been fully able to appreciate that in recent months.
I’m having one of those weeks. I love everything about myself. Even my faults. They are a part of me. They will never leave. I will strive to become that perfect human being, the perfect image of who I want to become, but I know I’ll never be able to do that. And so, I’ve been focusing on enhancing the positive. Embrace. Embrace. Embrace. And it’s good. I am bluntly honest. Sometimes that gets me into trouble, but often, I think it enhances my ability to fully comprehend my experiences. Those who take the time to understand that about me learn that sometimes I’ll put my foot in my mouth, but most of the time, I’m dead-on. I trust my instincts. They’re not wrong. I am beautiful. I may not be everyone’s aesthetic cup of tea, but there’s something about me that’s sometimes stunning. I’m smart. I don’t give myself enough credit for that. I’m a space cadet – I lose everything and am disorganized and my life is a constant battle against clutter. I told Kevin the other day after I’d (not actually) lost my wallet at Costco that I sincerely hope it adds to my charm. I’m funny, at times. I’m serious at others. I’m passionate about the things that I care about. I’m a good cat mother. I’m open-minded, educated, well-traveled, and most importantly, a very unique individual. I’m also an excellent snuggler. You can ask Carlos, he’s asleep on my shoulder as I type this.
Part of it is the optimism for the future. Graduate school applications are due this week. I’m in the middle of the final editing stages of my personal statement and my resume. I’m realizing that I am going to be awesome at whatever I end up doing.
Part of it is my new relationship. I’ve done such a good job at keeping people at a distance that I forgot how wonderful it can feel to let someone in. I feel fully accepted and it makes me incredibly happy. There’s a natural feel to it. I’ve decided to stop waiting for the other shoe to drop and start really appreciating what this is becoming. It’s good. It happened in the most natural way. We’re good for each other. It is so good. (I like saying that. It sounds so, well, good.)
Part of it is work. I’m finally hitting my stride. I’ve got a handle on everything and I’m rocking it right now.
I’m just really happy. I’m really proud of myself – I’m energized. I’m excited to see what I can accomplish once I put my mind to it. It’s going to be a great year. And even during those times when it’s not, there’s still that burning light of optimism shining inside my soul. This is good.