The lake I first fell in love with lays calm in the frozen air. It’s blue edged in lighter blue that fades to white as the ice and snow take over. The water laps softly at the shore.
I stare from the window of the warm room. I see a religious statue, marking its place in the world, significant for few.
Trudging out into the snow-covered parking lot, I find my illegally parked and still frozen car.
I come home to my cluttered apartment, hot and bright. I open the window to let some air in and then close the fridge, which sometimes doesn’t seem to stay shut.
I pull leftover out and compile a meal of sorts. Peanut butter, celery, raisins, a diet soda, a taco from dinner last night.
We sprawl on the furniture, exhausted in the early evening. There is no end. Tomorrow I can sleep in. And I will.

It’s been quite a journey, hasn’t it?

TIRED.
Made it back to Chicago safely.
I didn’t realize how much I missed Simon until it was me and him hurtling up I-55.
Hunter’s been a dream, making me dinner and keeping an eye on me.
Emily chose to stay behind, so I’ll see her sometime either tomorrow or Sunday.
I cancelled babysitting today. I’ve been sleeping and needing it.
School starts Monday.
I broke my laptop.
ugh.. coherent thoughts aren’t possible. Sentence form will come later.
All is well, for the most part, though, and for that I am grateful.

The phone call shattered Christmas Eve for me.
“I know you’re going to worry even though I’m telling you not to,” Dr. Davis said. She told me that the cells that we had identified and then biopsied in September weren’t going away and that the next step would have to be taken between now and May.
Well, I chose now and referral in hand, I let the tears fall.
I cried for almost two hours.
And so, plans were made for the 30th of December, an office visit, to give me local anesthetic in/around my cervix and then proceed with the LEEP procedure. Basically, they cut and cauterize your cervix all at one time.
Well, I went online to do more research and became completely unglued. We’re talking hysterical. I usually take things and pain very well, but the idea of this really bothered me.
Of course, the office was closed for the holiday weekend, so there was no time to call the doctor and talk about other options until Monday (the day before the scheduled procedure).
I called and told them my fears and that I would feel more comfortable doing it under general anesthesia, something that Dr. Davis and I had discusses. The assistant told me that the doctor had actually thought that general anesthesia would be a better approach for me. (The LEEP is super common, and some of them are done under anesthesia but most are done in office. Sorry, not my deal at all.)
Mom, who has been to every doctor’s appointment with me, was right behind my decision and we changed my plane tickets to today.
We met with the doctor on the 30th. She’s a wonderful lady who hugged me and assured me that everything would be alright. She didn’t seem inconvenienced at all by my decision and she made me feel a lot more comfortable about the whole process.
Dr. Davis did a good job of referring me and for that I am eternally thankful.
When I first got the abnormal PAP results in September, I called the Loyola Wellness Center (specializing in terrible healthcare) and asked them for a referral to a gynocologist out in Chicago. The response?
“Chicago’s a big city. Look in the phone book.”
I was on a plane two weeks later. Nothing for me beats having a doctor that I absolutely trust and feel comfortable with.

The thing that got me was the mention of a tube for the smoke. Smoke!?!? out of there???
Mom didn’t believe me that there was actually smoke, but we settled that up with the nurse yesterday. “Enough to cloud the area,” she said.
Gross.

So I went in yesterday morning, starving since I hadn’t had anything to eat or drink since midnight, and got ready for surgery. They took me back, attempted to start the IV, which failed miserably. It felt like something was trying to fit into too small of a vein. That plan was scrapped and we switched arms.
Then they gave me some fluids and we chilled out for awhile. The hospital gowns are the least attractive things in the world and I felt absolutely exposed, but the nurses were nice enough to bring me like four hot blankets.
When the nurse went out to get Mom, she told her that I was a very nice daughter. (Which I am.)
Eventually, the doctor came in and talked to me and my mom. And then the anesthesiologist. And then the surgery nurse. And then the resident who was going to assist. (Ugh, I was not a fan of her. You know when you just get a vibe? Well…I hope she got a good show. She didn’t even introduce herself to Mom. FAIL.)
So they gave me a sedative which I did not start to feel. Apparently, I wasn’t supposed to remember the ride down to the OR. Which I do. I hopped off the bed and onto the super skinny surgery table and the doctor held my hand while I fell asleep.

BAM!

I woke up in recovery, still starving. They had told me I was going to be nauseous but that was most definitely not the case. They gave me a pain pill and some crackers and let me chill out for a while and then Mom and I went home.
I parked myself on the couch, munching on pills throughout the night to keep me comfortable and here I am today.

Mom texted/called all the necessary people. I do believe that she used that time to work into the conversation with Hunter a visit to Denver. Emily was glad I’m alright and she’ll be picking me up tonight at the airport.

A little sore but no worse for the wear. So I’ll be on drugs/pain pills for most of today and then I’ll probably take the last one as soon as I get to Chicago. (No driving on Vicodin!)

So yeah.
Hopefully this will be my last experience with metal in that area.
But if not, this was definitely a very comfortable and worthwhile endeavor. Mom agrees. I am lucky to have one as supportive as her.

Looking back on 2008, I find that I’ve taken an incredible journey this year. At the beginning of January I was back in Denver, starting my semester at MSCD. I had yet to meet my beautiful car, Simon, and I was still convinced that Danny and I were great together.
February 4th: Simon became a part of the family in the midst of a snowstorm.
As the months passed, I settled in at home and began to realize that I yearned to be back in Chicago. Plans were made.
Danny and I fell apart because I realized that some things would never change.
Chicago welcomed me back with open arms.
I cancelled plane tickets to go to Portland to visit Chicago again instead.
Dairy Queen nearly killed me this summer. Shake Lady, manager issues and too many hours were a constant anxiety.
The road trip devastated my bank account but left me utterly thrilled with life. From Denver to St. Louis, St. Louis to Chicago and then back again.
To see the boys, to go to the beach, to sit in their apartment and hang out was magical. We looked for apartments and plans were made once again.
The end of summer. The long haul out to Chicago. Mike and Mom were nice enough to make it as well, beating me there.
Getting used to living on my own (with Emily).
Adjusting to the pigeons, the aparmtent.
Getting my bike stolen.
The beach.
The beach!
The beach!!!!
Summer!
Visit home in September.
Hunter Johnson.
Halloween.
The election of Barack Obama!!!
Pre-thanksgiving Thanksgiving.
Going home to Denver.
Fruitypants picking me up at the airport.
Going back.
Football season.
Parties.
Christmas presents.
Winter.
Love.
The horrendous haul from Chicago to St. Louis.
Recylcling.
Laverne and Shirley!
Failing Logic.
Getting an A in Ballet!

It’s been a great year.

Let’s all work for the earth in 2009. Let’s turn off our lights, walk a little more, waste less water and recycle more often.

Let’s work for love instead of hate, peace instead of war, smiles instead of tears.

Let’s love everyone we meet instead of hating them. Let’s be more understanding and less rude. Let’s remember why we love our family and friends. Let’s be thankful, appreciate and kind. Let’s do something wild and spontaneous! Let’s go on an adventure, take a chance, grant a wish, give a smile. Let’s support our new President and help him with the struggles that lay ahead for our country.
Let’s remember not to yell, not to sweat the small stuff and to remember that there’s nothing we can’t do.
Let’s stay happy and healthy!

Peace and love, all.
Happy 2009!

Grandma Mary with baby Kimber at Juanita’s house. 12/25/2008
Sweet baby. She loved playing peek-a-boo with Mike.

Thanks to Aunt Sally, Grandmas Al and Mary, Grandpa Joe, Aunt Jan and Uncle Mike, Brian, Juanita, Marshal, Aunt Joan, Dad, Jeanie and mostly Mom for making this a wonderful Christmas.
I hope you all had a wonderful day filled with love and family.

I picked him up from work that night, stopping on Michigan Avenue and he jumped into my car, taxis honking behind me. The street is one of the most famous streets in Chicago. It contains the Magnificent Mile, Millenium Park, Tribune Tower and more importantly, Burger King and Joyce Ford.
We drove there. I was bubbling with excitement. He got us food and then we went and parked a block away at a very female-centered Ford dealership that plays the most terrible commercials on tv. “If you like Bill here…” cut to a man standing there next to Joyce, a bleached-blond middle-aged woman selling American-made cars…”then you’ll love the Ford Focus. But if you like Jim…” cut to another man with a totally different look…”you’d love the Edge.”
Emily and I always park across the street and eat our Burger King while it’s still hot and delicious. He’d never been and was terrified of the idea of sitting in a dark car on a dark street in a less than savory neighborhood. I think he loved it in the end though. Who wouldn’t?
I eat ridiculously fast, so I had to wait for him to finish. He told me he’d only open my presents if I opened his. So I did.
He loved his new wallet. I looked and looked and finally found a really nice one that will last him a long time. (Hopefully.) He opened the box that I wrapped the bell bottoms in. When he realized what they were, he was ecstatic.
“If you had told me to make a list of 100 things I thought you would get me, I wouldn’t have put these on it. But now I can make a list of 100 things that aren’t better presents than bell bottoms.”
I was so happy.
I received romance novels with a Hunter twist. They’re all about monsters or something scary (to remind me of him when I read them). I also got a movie that I’d really wanted for awhile.
All in all, great Christmas.
He put them on and they fit perfectly, and to my surprise, looked good. Really good. Now I don’t mind the idea of bell bottoms so much.

We left Chicago around noon yesterday. Our plan was to leave a lot earlier, but you know that always works out. Emily and I had to take our recycling to the place while Hunter brought all of our bags down and helped us load up. We made sure that everything was off and that we had everything we needed. I’m not sure that we do, of course.
The drive started out fine, but soon turned terrifying. Simon is a small car, not much weight on his little frame, and not very good at powering through ice and snow. So we hit I-55 and hit blowing snow and ice. I can’t pass trucks because getting into the second lane is scary because it’s not always road but often snow-covered ice and slush.
The drive that normally takes us 4.5 hours with a couple of stops took us 7. We had to stop twice to get the ice that was building up on my car off of it. I kicked a quarter of an inch of ice off my front. It covered the license plate, the lights, the Honda symbol, the hood and the side mirrors. My windshield wipers worked because I kept them moving the whole time, but they too were covered in a sheet of ice.
It was slow going and I was perfectly content to do that. We arrived safe and sound, albeit exhausted.
I am flying out tonight, having gotten a good night’s sleep and no laundry done.

Dairy Queen may have unofficially fired me. I had them put up a note that said that I wanted some hours over break. When I called for my schedule, there were no hours for me. I texted Tonya and asked and she told me: I’m not working much as it is. I need the hours for the kids. blah blah blah. So basically I’m not allowed back and I’m annoyed.
She’s never working much as it is. Funny how that works out.

It’ll be nice to get home and see everyone. I’ll only be home for a couple of weeks, and it’ll be nice to get back to Chicago again.
I hope our pigeons are going to be alright while we’re gone.

The ballet final was today. She suggested that perhaps I should consider a career in writing. I told her it was not something I’d ever considered.

I went today and bought Hunter a wallet and two pairs of bell bottoms. He’s been talking about them for years but has never bought a pair. I hope he likes them. They might be too small though, so we’ll see. The only problem is that he’ll wear them, so I may be causing myself some trouble in the process.
Emily and I made that bow out of fail wrapping paper. I think it looks beautiful!!!

Yay! Let’s hope he likes it.

Grades are starting to come in. It’s going to be an ultimately disappointing semester after the Logic fiasco. However, I’ve realized that it was an illogical decision to attempt to do symbollese-filled geometry, something that I’ll never be able to wrap my head around.
So, the first grade, B-. Cinema. Ugh. His notes for me were that I finished strong, which means I spent way too much of the first half of the semester not paying attention. The usual. Who can be expected to work when the sun is shining and the beach calls?
Ballet is not expected to be excellent, although who really knows at this point?
Women, Crime and Justice should be the most solid A I’ve ever gotten. I’ve learned that I really try in the classes that I like.
Social Justice, ugh. I have an A- going into the final, so at least a B there.

Oh well. Such is life.

We’re preparing to head to St. Louis on Tuesday. I’m anxious. However, come and visit me at the DQ over the next few weeks because I will for sure be there. Recessions really don’t look good on anyone. I swear, I thought I was done with that nonsense forever. Maybe they’ll give me a raise. Oh man, no way.

So now that you now about my mediocre semester, here’s the text of something our neighbor wrote about Mom earlier this year:
[Maybe this will get me back in good graces… 🙂 ]

Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Lucky duck
I have one incredible neighbor. I was reminded of that again today.

My daughters usually crash her house most afternoons after 4:00 or whenever it is that we get home. Today, true to themselves, 4:00 roles around and off they go. One right after the other, spilling out the back door.

You see we don’t have a portion of our fence that joins our yards to hers. It fell down maybe 1 1/2, maybe 2 years ago. We have looked into getting a new fence. We have had people come out and bid to build a new fence, but the truth of the matter is that we love not having that section up. Diana also claims that she loves not having that fence up. When the people came to bid, she would ask if we could keep one section down so my kids could still come to see her. She has an open back door policy with them. If she is home, they are welcome to come.

Tonight I get a call soon after the girls go on their way. How soon before dinner Mom? We are going to make some cookies. They have an hour before dinner, so they were given permission as long as they waited to eat them.

A little while later I head over to round them up and bring them home for dinner. There is Avery on Diana’s lap with her own spatula scrapping cookies from the cookie sheet. Avery knows to scrape and then drop the cookie on the foil. Bailey is also helping with her own spatula. Big smiles on all three faces. Once again truly enjoying each other’s company.

Our next door neighbor does have two kids of her own, but they are in college now and have moved away. Katie to Chicago, and Mike, not too far, but still in Greeley. She misses her babies, but talks with them often. They will be home again soon, but in the meantime… if they don’t mind too much… my babies are happy to come and play.

Thank you Diana for everything you do for us!!

I’m annoyed.
I really hate Christmas.
For some reason, it just makes me sadder every year.
Sure, I’ve been listening to Emily’s Christmas music.
Sure, I love the Christmas lights strung up everywhere, and sure I love presents (who doesn’t?), but I really hate everyone’s attitude.
Christmas is terrible, really.

Everyone wastes money that they don’t have buying people things they don’t need. Why don’t we spend the money on something wonderful instead? I mean, I love getting nice perfume or something, but the people who have piles and piles of gifts aren’t learning anything about Jesus. We’re feeding them straight capitalism.
We march past the homeless to put a quarter in the red buckets that the bell ringers are guarding. Why don’t we serve a hot meal to someone who needs it? Why don’t we give blankets to the poor?
What would Jesus do, Christians?
I received an email this morning, I’m sure some of you got it, about Christmas being just for the birth of Christ and about how this isn’t a holiday. It was a forward, though, and no one I know wrote it, so pardon the attack that I’m about to launch:

Here’s a little excerpt:

These are NOT Holiday Trees
They are not Hanukkah bushes
They are not Allah plants
They are Christmas trees.
Say it..
CHRISTmas , CHRISTmas , CHRISTmas

Yes CHRISTmas -not Holiday
We are not celebrating the birth of a Holiday!!!
We are
Celebrating the Birth of
Jesus Christ!!!

Wow, was the author of this email smoking crack? “We are not celebrating the birth of a holiday!!!” Holiday, strictly speaking, means holy day. (Look it up.) The day that your lord was born is not a holy day to you? Wow, what does Christmas mean? From the looks of that excerpt from the email, it means that the person who wrote that doesn’t care about peace or love (good things, I would say) but instead cares only about making sure that everyone follows what they believe in.
You’ll notice that each of the major religions, in their purest form, promote peace and justice in the world, hope and joy rather than hate and anger. But once those ideas fall into the hands of people, they are nothing, twisted until some message appears.
Christians, watch yourselves. You’re all selfish and rude, and the attempt to force everyone on this planet to believe what you believe really hurts me.
Of course the Christmas trees aren’t Allah bushes or Hannukah plants, that’d be stupid. Only Christians would come up with a way to make a plant something necessary for their worship and/or celebration.
Hannukah has its own traditions. The dreidel, the menorah, those things are what the Jewish people use to celebrate their own holiday.
And while Islam does not have a “Christmas equivalent,” they have their own set of beliefs and practices as well.

The repetition and capitalization of the word “CHRISTmas” as well cracks me up. It reminds me of a scene in the 1985 comedy “Better Off Dead” in which a very American woman is being completely untolerant of the French foreign exchange student. She keeps repeating “CHRISTmas” over and over, progressively getting louder as the student has been pretending she doesn’t speak English. We are just like that. Slamming people over the head with our pervasive, persistantly annoying culture.

So next time you say “Merry Christmas,” just think for a second. Do you really want to force your beliefs down the throats of others? Do you really want to be “that guy?”
Say what you feel. I’ve been signing all of my emails: “May your holiday season be filled with joy and most especially peace.” Yeah, it’s lame, but at least I don’t look close minded. We live in a country that is supposed to be based on the separation of church and state, yet at the same time, we are a completely Christian country. We don’t think about it because most of us were raised Christian. We don’t know any better.

Let’s all practice a little tolerance this holiday or CHRISTmas season by not hating everyone who isn’t us. (But where’s the fun in that?)

Pardon my rant, I’m a little cranky this morning. I missed a final because my car started honking AGAIN at 6:30 this morning. It continued until I took it in at 8:15. I explained my situation to the guy who took care of the intake process this morning. He was very understanding and supportive and I was filled with hope.
At 8:30, as I was leaving, I got a call from Gino, the man who worked on my car last time and who will be doing it again today. He doesn’t believe me. He tells me that last time, he left it here and it was silent. That’s fine, Gino, I said, why don’t you ask my neighbors? I’m sure they have a few choice words for you.
I do as well. For $350, I expected my car to be fixed. I didn’t ask for it to only occasionally be fixed. And it will return to your stupid dealership as many times as it needs to until it is silent. All the time.
Ugh. I am exhausted. I’m in a terrible mood. I just want this week to be over.

I don’t want to come home for break. I’ll miss my friends. Hopefully, I’ll be working to cover some of the cost of this stupid stupid stupid car. I need a miracle.