On thinking about love, a little

(Denver in snow)

The capacity for emotion is one of the most beautiful parts of being human, but it’s also one of the absolute worst. Relationships are a funny thing. It’s not like you can compartmentalize your life so that something ends neatly, with all the loose ends tied up. There is really no such thing as a clean break. What your heart feels isn’t 100% or nothing. There is a lot of love that happens when you’re busy loving something else.

It is my firm belief that you never fall out of love with anybody. You never stop loving someone that you once loved, not entirely. Those feelings can shift and grow, shift and change, shift and decrease, but the impact of that love leaves deep grooves on your soul. If you’re loving properly, then you’re loving with your full self. Just because that relationship, that affair, that whatever may have ended doesn’t mean that your heart understands that. It doesn’t think in finite terms. It thinks in moods, in experiences, in memories.

Love is the best part of being human. For me, it’s the ultimate in life experiences. It will change you. It will shape your paths, your mindsets, your beliefs. And at the end of the day, it will either leave you sated or leave an indescribably empty hole.  You keep feeling it until you don’t feel it anymore.

It’s also curious to me how timing plays such a large role in all of this human-emotion-loving that’s going on. Sometimes, things align. And sometimes they don’t. I often wonder how many great relationships never came to fruition because of bad timing. Of course, you can sit here and say, “If it was meant to be…” but that’s not always true. There is no one right person for you, and if you’re lucky enough to find someone who matches that description, you’ve been handed an incredible gift. The rest of us have to muddle around until we figure something out.

I’ve been thinking a lot about what constitutes a good match lately. I’ve been analyzing how my own relationship fills my needs. I remember speaking to someone once who talked about how two out of three (emotional support, intelligence, looks) needed to be met in order for someone to have a functional relationship. I think that I have that triangle but then another laid on top of it.

(This is where i tried to draw a diagram and failed sort of miserably….)

So here’s how it goes:  You need two out of three of Intelligence, Emotional Intelligence, Physical Attraction. And for me, you also need probably two out of three of Energy Level (Willingness to Adventure), Motivation (this usually means having a job), and a weird combination of Tolerance, Morality and Are You a Good Person? to round it out. So that’s sort of difficult to find because I’m not a two-dimensional human being. I need you to be smart enough to call me on my bullshit, caring enough to love me even when I’m being weird, and semi-good looking. More than that though, I need you to love something – that’s your motivation: I need you to have a strong work ethic, a sense of responsibility, pride in what you do, etc.; I need you to be willing to try new things and travel new places; and I need you to be a generally wonderful person – open to new cultures, new people, kind-hearted, giving, etc.

This is the challenge set before every single person who desires to someday have a mate: Find someone who matches you on your requirements. I was thinking about all of that this weekend, because I was doing some serious analyzing (and embracing some serious happy).

(Denver Art Museum: free every 1st Saturday. Worth it!)

I spent the entire weekend with Kevin. We worked from home quite happily on Friday. There were laptops and papers and cords all over the living room and the two of us were on the couch watching the news. It was perfect, except for Carlos walking all over Kevin’s keyboard a couple of times. We tried new restaurants (eggs benedict twice for me, and fried pickles), we went to a bakery that we’ve never been to (delicious lavender-infused, lemon, red velvet, and coconut cupcakes…I’m hooked), we ran errands, we went to the Art Museum (briefly), we hung out with my family for the Super Bowl, we argued about politics (finally!), and we had plenty of down time. It was wonderful. It made me feel incredibly positive about our relationship – which apparently has been going on for quite awhile. It still feels new sometimes. It’s comfortable. It’s secure. It’s real. And I can dig that. I have someone who adores me, respects me, and genuinely enjoys spending time with me. These are all good things. I am a very lucky girl.


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