It’s been happening.
It’s going to end badly, not for all parties involved, but for me.
Love isn’t patient or kind, or any of that bullshit.
It’s painful and reckless and full of terrible decisions and one-sided feelings.
And it’s inevitable.
I’m not usually the one in my situation. I’m normally the one tearing up hearts, leaving nothing but tragedy and lost hope in my wake. But this time, it’s different.
This is the first time since that one time, and man, that was rough. That was three years of my life that tore me apart, bit by bit, until my soul was shattered. I lived on my expectations, my hopes, the possibilities. Lived for them. I still can’t listen to the song that was his ringtone then, it reminds me of long nights of waiting and of nothing and of broken promises and tears.
And one day it was over; the pain was gone, there was no feeling at all. A twinge of selfish joy, perhaps, but nothing else. It was done, I was done feeling it, I’d moved on.
I have a crush. It’s a bad crush. Not that it’s bad to have a crush, it’s healthy and normal and normally wonderful. It is wonderful.
But he’s not feeling for me the way I am for him, and even though I’m aware of that, I’m worried that I’ll let my heart get in the way of my head, as it tends to do. I don’t want to hope anything, I want to live and breathe in the moment and be free but constant. Consistently is lacking in that aspect, as is communication of those expectations. I need to keep myself in check by constantly evaluating the situation and taking it for what it is: nothing. Fun. Reckless fun. Great reckless fun. Perfectly great reckless fun.
That’s all it is, that’s all it will be. And I’ll take that.
I’m here and there; I’ve not been consistently in the same city for years. I’m back and forth, unsettled, technically free. I’m young and I’m beautiful, intelligent with a seemingly bright future ahead of me. I am everything, but I’m not that yet, I’m still on the cusp of all that is life. I’ve yet to succeed in business, or work in an office, or make a salary. And I know I’m young yet. It will all fall into place.
There’s still time.
It’s always the wrong time.
And this is what is happening now. I’ve caught a glimpse of something that I so dearly want, a person who’s driven and intelligent and funny and kind and I’ve begun to realize those are all of the things that I want. Not stupid boys, I want a stupid man.
And so this crush will have to ride itself out, while he pines for another and I so willingly accept the job of placeholder, keeping time while it passes.
There are no choices but the ones you make in the moment and those are the choices that shape the way you are and forever will be. But I’ve never been one to make rational choices; I wouldn’t be Katie Barry if I did. If you know the consequences yet you still make those decisions, what does that make you? Foolish, obviously. Desperate, not quite. Aware and idiotic, alive.
And to lust is to be alive; it’s a reminder of what we’re searching for: that possibly singular blinding connection.
I’ll be old enough, one day. But by then, some other possibly smarter man will have realized the true value of my personality and seen the scope of my endless possibilities and unique perceptions and swept me off my feet.
And if not, there’s always eHarmony.
(dear lord that was emo; I’m sorry. I’m exhausted. It’s not an excuse but I’m using it and I stand by it. Part of me is mortified to post this, but part of me thinks it will be cleansing. I hate crushes. They’re so fun and so annoying at the same time. But here’s to more wonderful years of fun crushes and late nights, and mostly, dancing. And here’s to crushes, because where would we be if we weren’t always yearning for something we couldn’t have?)
Um, also, I’m going to San Francisco! I’ll be back on Friday, so perhaps there will be intermittent blog posting but perhaps not. Oh dear, this is going to be wonderful.
Ah, the waning days of my youth certainly do bring about a wild amount of adventure.
I long to travel. Everywhere. I want to visit everything and know everyone before I’m thirty with kids and a mid-level office job.
I want to live.
And that’s exactly what I’m doing.
Au revoir, and expect pictures.