Hurt

It’s taken me quite a long while to figure out that I’m in a bad place.
The break up has taken its toll on me.
It’s been two months of nasty phone calls and text messages, me listening patiently while I’m told everything that’s wrong with me. It’s gotten so ridiculous that I can’t stand it, and sometimes, as much as try not to, I do snap back. Last night, I finally realized what to do, so I called Verizon and had his number blocked. Oh, that was surprisingly easy. He’s blocked on Facebook, too, and there really aren’t too many other ways to reach me.
Saturday, on my way to Indiana, I drove him to work (it was on my way). The whole way there, he pointed to the rearview mirror and told me to look in it (I didn’t), telling me that’s the face of a cheater, a liar, etc. Then, when he got out on Michigan Ave in the middle of a busy Saturday afternoon, he yelled, “Skank!”
My god. Sometimes I forget how old I am. It’s like freshman year of high school.
I keep thinking that letting him vent might help his anger, might help him heal. It’s not. I don’t know why he still feels the need to do it, but it’s obviously not working.
And so that’s over.
I can’t take it anymore.
I didn’t realize how much of it I was internalizing until I did. I’m starting to believe all of the things that he’s saying. I’m not worthless, though, I promise.
The drive to Indiana and back did me some serious good. I love being alone in my car just driving. I always feel better after that.
Then I came home to some less than wonderful but expected news and my mood that had been moderate dipped to low.
I didn’t sleep much last night. My dreams taunted me.
I’m restless, nervous, unsure.
I’m terrified of everything, as usual.
I’m alone. I hate being alone. I hate it so much. I know that you can be this confident beautiful person alone but I don’t want to be. It’s not that I don’t have people who want to be with me, I do. It’s that I don’t want to be with them.
Karma. This is some nasty karma. I deserve it, I’m sure of it. But I wish it didn’t have to happen to me right now.
But life has a funny of throwing you things you don’t need or want, and by necessity, I’ll ride this storm out, but oh my god, being stuck in this numb place is horrible. I’m literally apathetic at the moment. I can’t stop thinking about this or that or the other thing, but I don’t feel anything except the occasional stab of emotional pain.
Mike, of course, had the most simple advice. It helped, but nothing helps everything at a time like this.
I know that you become who you want yourself to be, but trying to conjure up self-esteem is difficult at a time like this. It’s hard to project this picture of my happy self when I’m anything but. Light, funny Katie doesn’t happen often and my liver is feeling the effects of the forced euphoria. Nights are hard. Days are hard. I’m so alone here, so isolated. I have Maddie, but I can’t rely entirely on her. I can’t rely on anyone but myself and myself is sick of trying to hold it all together.

I just keep thinking, make it to Denver, get home. But then what? Who am I there that I’m not here?

Hopefully March will move fast. There’s Denver, oh my god, I cannot wait. There’s Boston. There’s Katie coming to Chicago and then maybe another Indiana trip.

I can do this.

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