“One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: That word is love.” – Sophocles

“We love because it’s the only true adventure.” – Nikki Giovanni

“Love is like quicksilver in the hand. Leave the fingers open and it stays. Clutch it, and it darts away.” – Dorothy Parker

“Love is friendship set on fire.” – unknown

***”Love is everything it’s cracked up to be. That’s why people are so cynical about it…It really is worth fighting for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don’t risk everything, you risk even more.” – Erica Jong*** (I love this one.)

“Maybe love is like luck. You have to go all the way to find it.” – Robert Mitchum

“Loves makes your soul crawl out from its hiding place.” – Zora Neale Hurston

“Love is the irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.” – Mark Twain

“Love is more than three words mumbled before bedtime. Love is sustained by action, a pattern of devotion in the things we do for each other every day.” – Nicholas Sparks

“To love is to receive a glimpse of heaven.” – Karen Sunde

And reading these, do you remember love?
Do you remember the butterflies in your stomach?
Seeing them, calling them, that first kiss.
Not even romantic love, just the love that it’s possible to share for another person. I was pulling pictures off my wall the other day. There’s me and Katie, smiling, sitting on her car when we were 16. There’s me and Danny in his car on our last day of summer. There’s me and Emily, on our road trip to Glenwood Springs. Your best friend, you mom, someone, anyone. There’s enough to go around.
My first memory of perfect love remains a picture of a summer afternoon spent in a park, laying in the grass looking up into the trees. I took a picture then, I’ve posted it before. It’s perfect. We held hands, our bodies not touching as we soaked up the sunshine, wasting a perfect weekend afternoon with each other. I thought then that this was something special, I had no idea where it would lead. I shifted, laying my head on his stomach, in a that questioning tense first touch. Now, I slip my hand into his and know that it’s normal. It feels like home.
Too often, I think, we forget the little things that made us fall in love. The glint in his eyes when he looks at me, the way he makes me laugh, the long drives that we do early in the morning, it’s these things that make me think that sometimes we let everything else get in the way of feelings.
Tonight, everything got the better of me, and for the fifth time in as many days, I found myself sniffling into the phone, in a foul mood, trying to pick a fight with him just to make myself feel better. And for the fifth time in five days, he came to my rescue, making me laugh, not letting me fight with him, not letting me think about what was wrong. He makes it better. He doesn’t understand, he tells me that, but he tells me that no matter what, he’ll listen to me and be there for me. He sympathizes, and sometimes that’s enough. He talks to me until I’m calmer, until everything has fallen back into place. He does the cute things that have become the things we share between us. He gets to love me more today, so I let him, even though he doesn’t. He couldn’t.
So tell someone you love that you really love them.
Do it, and remember when you fell in love.
And save that feeling. It’s that one that you just can’t bottle up. You just have to try to keep it and hope it will never end.
Good luck.

oh and p.s. here it is….my favorite memory of the day I realized I loved him.

First box home today.
Two more lay packed on ready on the kitchen floor.
I am ready, ready, ready,
not at all.

One final done.
Four more to go.
Papers, papers, news story, papers, test, test.
Home.

I can’t wait to get off the plane.
I can’t wait to see him waiting there.
I can’t wait to jump into his arms
and feel home.

Six days.

The train tonight.
I smelled the air,
pungent from below and
realized it was one day
closer to the last.

Time. Is. Slipping. Away.

Finals week begins.
I have two tests, one on Friday and another next Monday.
I also have one written final, one take-home writing portion of a test, three papers, and a final news story.
I packed my first box today. It is small and heavy, but I’m thinking that with a few more boxes, I’ll be able to fit most of my things into the suitcases. I have gone through my wardrobe and found things that I do not wear as much as I should, and I am donating them before I leave so that I don’t have to worry about bringing them home. I even donated that pair of jeans I’ve been holding onto. It’s great, because I need to buy new jeans anyway, so getting rid of some will be nice. Also, Chicago has a much bigger homeless population than Denver.
So it works for everyone. I’m leaving the trashcan that I bought because no one wants to bring a trashcan home. And the giant posters will have to stay too. I don’t know how I’m going to get my other posters home. I may just buy a poster roller thing….and then have that shipped out.

We were looking through Loyola’s famous graduates last night and found one oddity among the bunch. An adult entertainment actress. I wonder what the school thinks of that. Also, the guitarist from 90s band The Smashing Pumpkins (!!!) and the lead singer from the heavy metal band Disturbed. I’ll go and find the list and put it up.

Danny’s dance recital is today. He was enrolled in Ghanaian Music and Dance, and thus had to learn a dance from Ghana, Africa. Today, he preforms it at some sort of festival at Lewis and Clark. He called me this morning, and we talked for awhile before he had to go. He’s not sure he wants to be in Portland anymore, but to be honest, I think he just needs a break. He’s been there since August with one trip home. I’ve been flying all around this semester, so it’s been nicely broken up.
He just wants to get home and see me (!) which I can’t wait for. He’s picking me up at the airport on Monday. We’re going to see the Botanic Garden’s light show on Tuesday night, which I have never done. We drove by after Thanksgiving one evening to see if the lights were up, and he was shocked that I had never been.

I don’t know how you feel about nature-esque television, but Planet Earth on Discovery channel has been wonderful. I watched a marathon of it yesterday as I sat battling some strange illness on the couch.

Ah, well, nothing important. High-stress situation.

“Stairway To Heaven”

There’s a lady who’s sure all that glitters is gold
And she’s buying the stairway to heaven.
When she gets there she knows, if the stores are all closed
With a word she can get what she came for.
Ooh, ooh, and she’s buying the stairway to heaven.

There’s a sign on the wall but she wants to be sure
‘Cause you know sometimes words have two meanings.
In a tree by the brook, there’s a songbird who sings,
Sometimes all of our thoughts are misgiven.
Ooh, it makes me wonder,
Ooh, it makes me wonder.

There’s a feeling I get when I look to the west,
And my spirit is crying for leaving.
In my thoughts I have seen rings of smoke through the trees,
And the voices of those who stand looking.
Ooh, it makes me wonder,
Ooh, it really makes me wonder.

And it’s whispered that soon if we all call the tune
Then the piper will lead us to reason.
And a new day will dawn for those who stand long
And the forests will echo with laughter.

If there’s a bustle in your hedgerow, don’t be alarmed now,
It’s just a spring clean for the May queen.
Yes, there are two paths you can go by, but in the long run
There’s still time to change the road you’re on.
And it makes me wonder.

Your head is humming and it won’t go, in case you don’t know,
The piper’s calling you to join him,
Dear lady, can you hear the wind blow, and did you know
Your stairway lies on the whispering wind.

And as we wind on down the road
Our shadows taller than our soul.
There walks a lady we all know
Who shines white light and wants to show
How everything still turns to gold.
And if you listen very hard
The tune will come to you at last.
When all are one and one is all
To be a rock and not to roll.

And she’s buying the stairway to heaven.

****
And so, with tears streaming down my face too late on a Thursday, I begin the final week. Chicago, snow falling softly outside, lamp posts gently illuminating the streets below, freezing people.
I sit here, watching bad movies on tv, late at night. They came, we watched the game, and now they’re gone, begging my presence at a party tomorrow night. I have no interest. Instead, I’ll curl up at home and talk to Danny, because lately his voice has been the only one that calms me. I woke up last night, alone, and realized that everything is beginning to come together and fall apart all at once. I’m going ever closer to the thing(s) that mean the most to me, and further apart from the life that I’ve known.
I’m just at the point in between sleep and dreams.
Home. Danny. Home. Danny. I keep repeating them in my head. Colorado. Denver. Here I come, please.
Ten days.
We did Secret Santa gifts in our room today. I had Gena and Melissa had me. She got me a Long Distance Relationship book, which made me laugh.
Danny has agreed that if we get married, we’ll have to take cooking classes. He prefers dessert classes and the idea of microwaveable frozen vegetables, whereas I feel as though it can’t be that hard to make chicken dishes and noodle-y things. I burned brats today, and he found that funny. He told me not to worry; he’ll cook. He can make: corndogs, hot dogs, frozen pizza, spaghetti. Wow, can’t wait. haha, it was the first time I’d laughed all day though, and I appreciated it.
Love, then, love is enough.

Perfect snow.
I walked out of class tonight and was greeted by the beautiful sight of falling snowflakes.
Perfect snow, no wind, wet flakes falling down like confetti on the anxious people below. Night is softened by the lights on the trees.
There’s nothing like snow and holiday lights, nothing at all.
Things here are being held together simply by will. There is no hope left for bringing things back to where they were; instead, I play the observer and try not to answer their questions about the others.
I have three more days of class left at Loyola, and while I won’t miss the institution, I’m going to miss all of the people I’ve become attached to.
Hunter and Ian came over for Monday Night Football last night, and as they left, Hunter gave me a hug and told me he’d miss me. It’s nice to know that there’s always something to come back to.
Before I leave, I’d like to go and visit the Peace Garden on the Lake Shore path that winds all the way from the south side of the city to nearly Loyola. On Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays when I take the shuttle up to the Lake Shore campus, I always watch, and there, on the trail, just off Lake Shore Drive is a little enclave. I never see anyone there. I once saw a woman, sitting there and doing exactly what I would have been doing, contemplating. I still haven’t been there, and it’s the one thing that I want to do before I go.
I would also like to see the Bean. It’s a work of art originally designed for the opening of Millennium Park and the things that the name implies. It’s one of my favorite things in Chicago. (I’m sad that Mom and Grandma didn’t get to see it while they were here visiting in October)
Other than that, however, I am only looking forward to being home and seeing the mountains again. This winter is going to be great. Danny wants to go snowboarding with me, which I’m unsure about. He’s been snowboarding since he was eight, and I’ve only been three times in my life. When I told him that I’d be on the bunny hills while he would be doing the blacks and blues, he told me that he’d come with me and help me. Which was cute.

Thanksgiving was nice. Of course, my plans fell through for the actual day, in that between visiting Mom at the hospital and seeing Dad’s family, we never made it to Aunt Jan’s. Now, I know that it was a disappointment to all, but I also wanted to clarify that we were only going to have been there for about a half an hour, so although I felt bad, I didn’t feel as though I missed an entire dinner.
Emma and John liked Danny a lot. Emma kept telling us that we had cooties because we were so in love, which made me smile. We built a city out of the blocks, and the kids kept asking him where to put certain things. We made a little corner of the city for a zoo, which we filled with all the toys that we could find. Emma told Danny that he was “the best skyscraper builder ever,” and afterward, he admitted that he loved spending time with them. I got to hold the little one, who just made my whole day. Danny didn’t want to hold her because he didn’t want to upset her, which made me smile.
The drive up to his parents’ house was nice. We had to stop because his windshield fluid was frozen and the windshield was getting dirty. I played the role of mechanic and washed his windows for him while he put in new fluid. It was a very domestic moment for us.
He has been suffering with all of the rain in Portland for the last week, so keep him in your prayers.
My application for Metro is in, and I’ve spoken with Dairy Queen about getting my job back ($10.50 an hour, hopefully more soon enough.)

That was quite a bit of information for one post, so I’ll leave it at that. But I promise I’ll begin to discuss the move soon.

I remembered last night at one a.m. Right as I was about to drift off into the first interrupted sleep in about a week, it hit me. Whatever it was that had been bothering me all week. I had known it was something, but I had no idea what. I was cranky and short-tempered, and here was the reason. A 6 page analysis of the Clinton-Lewinsky-Starr scandal. Due at 4 pm today.

But, thanks to my incredible luck and typing skills, I woke up at ten thirty and two hours later am done with searching the archives of TIME magazine, writing about the articles, and critiquing them for my paper.

Now onto the next assignment.
A feature story.

On the way back from the scenic graveyard, we walk the paths covered in fallen yellow leaves or pine needles through the campus, home. Groups of touring prospective students meander by, their tour guides in sweaters and nice shoes. They walk these paths, only to be met with the screams of crazed college students, begging mercy from their dorm rooms. The laughter of nearby (and probably high) students is audible, and the tour guards look exasperated.
They are trying to change their school’s reputation, and the students here are not happy about it. From the ravine that has become known for its tree covered spots, to the steps near the school’s most scenic pond, to the passageways in the halls of the school itself, the students are discussing, fiercely, the position that they have found themselves in.
It is something of a wondrous sight, seeing students roused about something.

***

I came back here and the minute I hit the ground, I felt it. I felt it come in waves, hitting me harder than I thought it would. It felt like something was weighing me down, and I feel it now. For a second there, in Oregon, snuggled in warm and comfortable, I could breathe.
Maybe that’s all love is about, someone else to help you breathe.
He helps me breathe.

But now I’m crying. And I can’t stop. I’m emotional. There’s someone else sleeping in my bedroom, in the space I’ve come to call my own.

****

I’ve had twenty four hours to revive myself, and instead of feeling refreshed, I feel worse. My eyes are heavy, having released into the world so much pain last night, they themselves are feeling it now.
My decision, brewing for so long somewhere between my heart and my brain, is tentatively made. We were lounging, in the little space between the wall and the curtain that is the twin bed, and he touched his finger to my breastbone. I had been going through the list of pros and cons again, and again, more than he ever wanted to hear. “What does your heart say?” he asked me. “That’s the answer.”
So I have the answer, and I’m keeping it for now, because the minute it passes my lips, the madness begins all over again. It’s painfully obvious, of course, and I am contented knowing that my days are numbered here. I tried. I failed, but I’m leaving remotely dignified.
The creature sleeping on the other side of the partition constructed out of cheap desks and chair is the thing that thrust my decision forward for me. I was waiting, waiting for something to show me what I wanted, and now that I’ve been from breathing uninhibited to wondering if I should sleep on the couch, I know. She’s not mean, just a little more than I can handle right now. She took over the room while I was gone, literally, leaving me with probably thirty percent of the space. And the bathroom too. All orange and strange. There are flowers in a vase sitting on the back of my toilet now, and a little can of spray air freshener, and this one kills me, but a little trashcan shaped like a pig. If that doesn’t clue you in, let me tell you that she took down one of my posters, and that she talks very loudly.
I know, you’re thinking, Katie, give her time, things will be fine.
But I have a feeling. And I go with that. I never disliked Melissa and Gena, and even though we’ve had our fair share of incidents and moments when things got out of hand, I never felt the way I feel now.
Also, I have no window.

****

Sunday morning, I was flying around Danny’s room trying to pack all of my things and somehow compress them into the little suitcase I had brought. (I went four days with nothing but a carry-on that wasn’t even all the way full!) He sat perched on his bed, tears sliding out of his silent eyes, scribbling something in his notebook. I checked the clock. Three minutes until we had to leave. I grabbed my stuff, my computer and phone chargers, and put them last places. Cell phone, iPod, Colorado driver’s license, check.
I looked at him, impatient. He ripped it out. He pulled off all the loose ends. And then he folded it up and put it in my pocket. “Read it on the plane. You’ll love it.” I laughed. Later, when we were standing outside the airport, as has become our custom, he told me to read it, that he couldn’t wait. And I unfolded it and opened it, and there it was, the first love letter he’s ever written me.
I started crying. It’s adorable when boys pour their hearts out. And when I looked back at him (he was reading it over my shoulder), he was crying too. It was beautiful.

***
I showed him my movie (that you have all seen and loved, I’m sure). I was so excited to show it to him, because it’s something that I did, and that I was proud of. I put more work into that thing than I have into anything else all year. And we watched it and cried together (but in a good way).
It’s weird, having someone that I depend on and don’t fight with ever and enjoy so much. It’s like having Katie, but in man form.

***
I’m applying to DU, CSU and other places. I’m not sure yet. If you have any good suggestions, let me know. Maybe Boulder?

****
Speaking of Boulder:

“It’s honestly up in the air,” he said. (That’s the end of the article I read in the Denver Post about Denver’s newest marijuana law. Funny how sometimes figures of speech just work out)
hahahaha……never mind, Mom will get why it’s funny.

***
I’m trying to convince Mom that she could use marijuana as a way to reduce pain after her surgery. But she does not agree. (I suspect she—and most of my readers and close family—-all voted in opposition of the law.) I think we should all make her some pot brownies. Just a thought, since we probably won’t get in trouble even if we get caught. Haha, joking. I have no hope of ever persuading anyone that pot won’t kill you. (Even though it won’t. Trust me, I know people who know people who smoke pot.)

***

***

He loves me.

: )

Sometimes, that’s enough.

Well, I’m back in Oregon, and for awhile, at least, everything makes sense. I am calm and stress free, and I actually slept through the entire night last night.
The weather is beautiful, all golden sunshine and fall colors. The air smells like real air and not at all like the city, with its pollution and dirt.
He’s happy to see me, of course, and our airport greeting was straight out of a romantic movie.
I’m ridiculously happy, curled up comfortable in the place that I have come to love with the person that I love the most.
I haven’t thought about the roommate situation, or food for our place, or next semester at all. I’ve been relaxing and it’s wonderful.
Finally, everything makes sense.

It’s been an interesting week.
-I am going to Oregon today! My flight leaves at 6:35 out of Midway, and I’ll be in Portland around nine. I am so excited. I think this might be the little vacation that I most definitely needed. He’s happy, of course.
-I am getting a new roommate. Since I have that extra bed in my room, it was only a matter of time until they moved someone in, so here goes…Her name is Megan and I Facebook.com stalked her and she seems okay. But I’m still not happy. Since I got the email last night at around 8, I had to rearrange my room and clean it before I went to bed. So, I still haven’t packed.
-Emily is for sure moving back her next semester. I still don’t know what to do. I more than anything want to come home, so I’m wondering how my feelings will play into this one. Anyway, can’t register and I don’t really care about that.

Hope all is well. Mom finally got her iron up, so I was happy to hear about that.
We’ve started separating our food between all three of us in order to curb her eating habits. It’s working, so far. I bought a whole box of Trix cereal with the money Dad gave me, and it’s all mine!
Yay!
Anyway, love from (almost) Oregon!!!!!