Two people, up ahead in the bike lane, hold hands, walking slowly. They’re quiet, whispering maybe, maybe silence is the only thing between them. A biker rides past and they shift, she is suddenly uncomfortable with the bike lane. It doesn’t feel right, she thinks, walking in the middle of the road. She is reminded from a scene in a movie. No cars pass. He reassures her that everything is going to be alright, and she smiles, and moves in a little closer to him.
The world is empty, waiting for them to get to their destination. Off in the distance, trees bend and sway in the wind, cars drive off to their destinations, sirens call out urgency, but for this street at this moment, things are quiet, even and restless all at the same time.
It’s like day, she thinks, as her eyes adjust to the night, with more shadows and more peace. There is nothing to fear, she thinks. They walk on, not stopping at the empty intersections, stop signs begging motorists to end their increase of speed.
They walk. It’s quiet between them. They walk on. Her sandals hit the ground, smack, smack, smack, smack, smack.
It’s late. The lights of the convenience store beckon, almost unwelcome in the night. They enter, swiftly, then exit the same. They are headed home now, carrying their purchases between them. The quiet is the same. The night is raw and beautiful. Come tomorrow it will have been forgotten for the happenings of another busy day.

Summer is here and gone, almost.
We’re halfway through June already.
I leave next Tuesday for the drive to Saint Louis. From there, we have no plan except to end up in Chicago for awhile and then back to Saint Louis. Emily was supposed to get her cast of the 17th, which is the day I leave, but instead, she’ll have to keep it on. We’ll have a wheelchair for her, so that will make things interesting and hopefully easier in Chicago.
I registered for classes. My schedule looks like this:

Fall 2008: 17 Credits
Monday:
11:30-12:30 MWF
ENGL 362 Studies in Poetry (3 credits)
Dumbach 228

1-2:15 MW
THTR 111 Introduction to Ballet (2)

Tuesday:
1-2:15 TuTh #3977
CMUN 227 Social Justice/Communication (3)

2:30-3:45 TuTh #2087
PHIL 174 Logic (3)
Damen 238

4:15-7:45 Tu #5293
CMUN 222 Introduction to Cinema (3)
CS 400

Wednesday:
11:30-12:30 MWF
ENGL 362 Studies in Poetry (3)
Dumbach 228

1-2:15 MW
THTR 111 Introduction to Ballet (2)

2:45-5:15 W #4558
ENGL 310 Advanced Writing: Autobiography (3)
Damen 237

Thursday:
1-2:15 TuTh #3977
CMUN 227 Social Justice/Communication (3)

2:30-3:45 TuTh #2087
PHIL 174 Logic (3)
Damen 238

Friday:
11:30-12:30 MWF
ENGL 362 Studies in Poetry (3)
Dumbach 228

It’s not great, but it’s not horrible and it’s more credits than I need. I’m majoring in Communication (declared), and then minoring in Journalism, English and Women’s Studies. The pickings for classes weren’t great, especially since it’s now June, but I didn’t do so bad.
I’ll be back sometime before the end of June. The drive is going to be intense, so we’ll see how the car does.
I was going to maybe live in the dorms as a backup option, but they’ve already put someone in the room that I was going to occupy and now they’re telling me there’s a waiting list or something. Also, apparently, I should have turned in a housing contract. I enjoy this time of the year, really. No one is capable of telling you what you need to know until it’s too late.
So, the apartment search, which had died off with the idea of dorm life, is back on, full force.

What if there is no such things as happily ever after?
Is it so wrong to think that there might be?
You want someone to love you unconditionally, for everything you are, and you want to love someone the same. What if it’s one way or the other? What if there is no middle ground? What would you choose?
I can’t tell which is worse…
***
As soon as I can get the pictures loaded, you can hear all about the vacation. And the getting home. And the sun. And everything. It was nice.
But now back to reality and back to the planning.
My next movement will be to St. Louis and from there, Chicago. I am mulling over visiting South Dakota this summer to see Lise.

Sitting in the car, headlights off, I watched the rain hit. Hit and then bounce up toward the sky again, falling over and over back to earth. Damp cold settled into our bones, causing the heat to be turned up.
Today dawned chilly but after little balls of hail had decided they were no longer welcome, the sun took over.
We talked on the phone today. “It’s lonely here,” she said. And I agreed. If this is what life will become for me, the endless agony of work stretched in between sleep, I would rather run as fast as I can in some other direction. Instead of hoping for the impossible, dreaming of things and people I can’t have, I’d like to not have this life, but instead trade it for the one I always wanted, never thought possible, in dreams, make them reality, but changing the way I act and do, speak and think, and then one day, maybe I’ll be in charge of a life I’d like to be living instead of this one that includes the bills and the torture and the endless cycle of work, sleep, work, sleep, no laundry has been done in weeks, nothing cleaned. I work my way around piles, and care so little, because there is no point in the organization. No point to the stuff, to the bother, to being on time.
It’s refreshing to no longer care, yet heartbreaking at the same time. The end of summer cannot come soon enough, with its change and hopefully new scenes and faces. I hope for the one constant, I dare not speak aloud, and keep my fingers crossed that fate will look upon me kindly for once.

“Time and chance stand still for no man, or woman.” -Karleen Koen

Spring is ushering in summer, hot and cloudy, full of temper at being roused so early. The storms will cease eventually, but for now, the colors of the afternoons are the colors that people only dream of seeing.
Purples, golds, greens echo through the line of sight, and the browns sink into the dark clouds, strange lighting finding peace in the twilight.
I’ve been struggling to get ahold of my emotions lately, time is just speeding right on by. I feel like I just moved home a month ago, and here it is, May.
Danny coming back has been difficult. We’re trying to be friends, but the whole love thing is getting in the way. He doesn’t understand why I don’t love him anymore, and I can’t explain that I just fell out of love the way that I was in love with him. There’s a friend-love there, but not a love-love, and that distinction is hard to make.
The excitement of being in Chicago has worn off, but I never realized how much I missed it until I went back. Now, my sole focus is the end of the summer and getting there. Getting there. Back to Chicago, land of cold winds and cold hearts, Loyola, and free-flowing liquid delight. Let’s go. Let’s go. I can’t wait. I don’t know why. It’ll be a fresh start. Hopefully.
And then I’ll be able to get on with my life and feel alright again.

And so in the warm rain we ushered in the summer, a little early, never too late.
I sat there, in the dark basement I’ve watched change since we met, and was at home. We talked of old days and of the new, there is no amount of time that can come between us when we are not just summer friends, closer when May approaches June.
The drive home, in the cool night air, windows down, music up, was immense. No other cars on the road, just me and the night, speeding slowly home. I set the cruise control, just for fun, so that I could just be in the night. I was sixteen again, fresh with ideas, taking the turn to the song, letting the music take me elsewhere.
The lights in Denver have begun their countdown, a simple way of informing pedestrians of their impending restriction, and at night, the countdown simply hits zero and reverts back to the little light man walking. I found myself timing it so that as I drove, I’d be crossing the intersection as the change occurred, the ultimate end leading back to the same beginning.
There is nothing better than the promise of summer, no matter what life is holding for you at the moment, standing outside in the night and smelling the air will change your life. Floral scents intermingle with the city’s hot fresh air and the animals of the night seem to be more alive.
We saw a skunk mosey past, on his way somewhere fast. As I drove away into the night, rolling down the windows, I passed the skunk again, still running, still on the street, getting somewhere.
We’re all getting somewhere, even if we have no idea where we are.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=YAvspZ16pFQ

Mom is so in love.

You cant resist her.
Shes in your bones.
She is your marrow, and your ride home.

You cant avoid her.
Shes in the air.
[in the air]
And in between molecules of oxygen and carbon dioxide.

Only in dreams, youll see what it means.
Reach out our hands.
Hold on to hers.
But when we wake, its all been erased.
And so it seems… only in dreams.

You walk up to her.
Ask her to dance.
She says hey baby, I just might take a chance.

You say its a good thing.
That you float in the air.
[in the air.]
Up where theres no way I will crush
Your pretty toenails into a thousand pieces.

Only in dreams, youll see what it means.
Reach out our hands.
Hold on to hers.
But when we wake, its all been erased.
And so it seems… only in dreams.

Only in dreams.
Only in dreams.
Only in dreams!
Only in dreams!
Only in dreams!
Only in dreams.

That song sums it all up. I want to be back in Chicago with the people that I love.

The sunlight was pouring steadily in through the windows as we settled in for sleep after the night. I was tucked in on the couch, blissfully unaware of what was happening to the rest of our companions. The night had started out uneventfully enough, Emily and I went to see “Baby Mama,” a new comedy out last night. Flip flops and shopping led to the purchase of a new swimsuit at the Gap, which will be debuted on our upcoming cruise. From there, we went home, visited friends as we watched old sitcom reruns in the dorm. Midnight, the boys showed up with my bag, brought from their house, and we all piled into a cab for the party. The night was eventful, quiet and wild, conversations, books, drinks flowing freely around us. We stood on the balcony, myself wearing a fake fur coat, jeans, and a black Oxford all borrowed from Emily’s closet.
Four a.m. brought the need for food, and we jumped into a cab and then went back to the dorm. Standing on the quiet street, in the middle of a busy city hushed, we spoke of plans.
And so four of us, Emily, Ian, their friend and myself, left Hunter to find his way home and we went to the packed Tempo Cafe for omelettes. We ate, and finally, tired with the hours spent awake, decided to turn to bed. The boys left us and Emily and I rode the elevator up in silence, exhaustion setting in. I curled up on the couch, blanket and pillow, and sunlight.
Thursday night found the four of us, Ian, Hunter, Emily and I all playing improv games at the boys’ apartment. Emily and Ian met me at the airport, after a difficult plane trip, I was more than ready to be back on solid ground. I sat next to a woman wearing Star Warsesque boots, and we talked and talked. She told me to tell my mom that she was lucky to have a daughter like me, and that if I was ever in Boulder, she wanted to take me out for coffee. It was a bumpy ride, though, the plane lurching and jerking around. I slept fitfully, curled into my stuffed alligator.
Thursday was nice, ended with a movie and the four of us sprawled around on various couches or pull out beds. Emily left for class in the morning after I hit the snooze on Hunter’s alarm. I went with the boys to their acting group, the sun beating down all around us. 80 degrees, a summer dress, flip flops…we were delayed by my sickness, an acute moment in which I was unable to keep anything down. I sat in the park, just off Michigan avenue, in a quiet little grassy enclave. The bench I sat on was surrounded by tulips and a little bird came and sat next to me for awhile. It was a beautiful day.
We walked to Portillo’s and had a late lunch, then separated, running off into the hot rain of the city. I had walked barefoot from the south loop to the north loop and then nearly back, my feet dirty but happy to be back in the city that I love.

I’m going back tomorrow. I just can’t stay away.
Bryan from the frame store stopped my car today and handed me a Bob Dylan CD. sweet.
Have a good weekend!!!!!
I’ll be partying in Chicago. Expect a sweet blog soon! Also, it’s supposed to be warm.
On a sadder note, I have to go to the dentist tomorrow. 😦
Shots. Needles. Pain. Arrghghgh.
Mom can’t go with me. It’s lame.