I spent the better part of the past two years in an apathetic stagnancy. I was alive, but I was not living. I was very sedentary in a multitude of areas – my work aspirations, my social self, my general being.
Over the past few months, the nearly forgotten sense of joy in all things has returned, renewing my spirit. I can’t even attempt to verbalize the visceral sensation of feeling so full of life after having lived in an essential flat line for so long. .
I honestly thought I had lost the luster. The dark places, even the gray ones, are so blinding because you slowly lose the memory of the physical sensation of peace, that effervescent blissful calm that comes with the experience. To feel it radiating through me once again is nothing short of delightful.
I was hiking with my favorite five year old this weekend, and at one point, waiting for her to race to me down trail, I took a minute and stared up into the cloudless deep blue sky and savored the moment, letting the joy rise inside of me.
I think proximity to children always helps with optimism. They are so free because they’re not weighed down yet, and their worldviews are so precious. Five year old and I sat in the car on at least three occasions to finish listening to songs, singing along (poorly) and dancing. We raced to the playground, we cartwheeled, we explored. Then we decided to go hiking. We found a spot, checked out some birds, walked to a river and spent the better part of fifteen minutes throwing sticks into the current and hopping on rocks. I could spend hours doing that. We found some trash and hiked it out. I felt the exhaustion of a sun-drenched day well spent. That’s the best feeling.
Sunday was much of the same. We biked to the park, played frisbee, and soaked up the sunshine. I love watching Denver come alive in the summer. All the biking, hiking, and general outdoor playing is the best thing. Mom, I realize Mike does not want your grill, but I do. I’m going to learn how to grill things, just to round out my outdoor skill set.
Monday night, I was in Boulder with a friend and we were discussing the manifestation of positivity in our lives. I’m one of those people who thrives on good input. I live for it. But we get what we put out into the world and the only way to keep the positivity coming is to be a source of it as well. The best part about that is that just keeps building. When you’re emitting good vibes, the good vibes float back from all sides. It’s entirely sustainable and with practice, it becomes second nature. Even when I’m grumpy as all hell, I still try to smile at strangers, because my grump isn’t theirs.
The best compliment I have ever received came from Tobias. He told me that I radiate light into the world. I carry it with me everywhere I go and I will continue to be pleased about it until I die.
I’m starting to sound like a broken self-help record, but I’ve been cultivating radiance lately. I realized that the clouds had lifted one day in January when I was on my way to work and realized I was just grinning. Grinning for no reason is the best thing. Lately, I’ve been allowing myself to laugh deeply, giggle often, and have been making terrible jokes. It’s magical. I am where I wanted to get back to in that respect. I think my natural state of being is best when I’m settled into a happy comfortable place.
I’m back. I’m really back and I’m beyond jazzed about that.