I’m an avid reader of the syndicated “Ask Amy” column (I get it from the Denver Post). Usually, Amy Dickinson – I believe she’s Chicago-based – gives great advice. But today, I’m disappointed.
Here’s the original post:
Dear Amy:I have had a job at a local bar for more than a year. One of my good friends had been trying to get a job with us for several months. An opportunity finally came up, and I got her a job. She was so excited and was pumped to do a good job.
The only problem is, she sleeps around. A lot.
I asked her to not mess around with any of the bouncers. She broke this one rule … twice!
Now I am totally insulted and feel betrayed by her; I told the boss that she was a good person and would do a really good job.
She keeps apologizing and has been asking me what’s wrong almost hourly.
How do I go about voicing my hurt with her?
Neither of the guys she was with knew about the other until I told them, and now we all feel betrayed.— Betrayed
Dear Betrayed:It is not clear which rule your friend broke — a friendship rule, laid down by you, or a rule of the establishment where you both work.
I’m assuming that there is no actual rule stating that workers cannot be sexually involved with one another but that you wanted your friend to respect boundaries established by you.
Now you need to be as honest as you were before — and tell her how foolish you think she is and how betrayed you feel.
Even though you recommended your friend for this job, you are not responsible for her behavior or reputation while she is on the job. And you can’t protect her from the fallout (personal and professional) from her own choices.
First of all, it sounds like the girl who feels betrayed is an idiot. It doesn’t seem like this is affecting the friend’s job performance, so her claim that “I told the boss she was a really good person and would do a good job” doesn’t seem to hold much weight if that’s the basis for this betrayal.
Secondly, Amy was correct in her original response when she said, “…you can’t protect her from the fallout (personal and professional) from her own choices.” It’s also true that the whole thing is convoluted and unclear.
So why am I annoyed?
Dear Amy:I had a thought about the answer you gave to “Betrayed,” who works at a local bar and was feeling “insulted and … betrayed” by a good friend (now co-worker) whose sleeping with co-workers she thought inappropriate.
I was jarred by her statement that “Neither of the guys she was with knew about the other until I told them; now we all feel betrayed.”
In my opinion, “Betrayed” had no business cluing-in the two guys — and that by doing so, she, herself, was “betraying” the confidence of her “good friend.”— DC Fan
Dear Fan:“Betrayed” had recommended her friend for a job and had asked her to please not sleep with the bouncers. Friend had in fact slept with two of them.
I agree that Betrayed seemed to gratuitously notify both men — but these days people who do this have a ready reason: “I was warning him/her about the danger of STDs!”
Read more:Ask Amy – The Denver Post
I agree entirely with “DC Fan.” The girl who got the friend the job overstepped some serious boundaries here (firstly by being upset and secondly by running her mouth).
Amy’s response about “these days people who do this have a ready reason: ‘I was warning him/her about the danger of STDs!'” is off-base. I think that’s a really shitty excuse to gossip. It’s catty and immature. Unless she can prove that there is a legitimate reason that the girl might be giving her partners diseases (notice that no one is saying, “Someone better hand that girl a pamphlet on STI testing, those guys may have something!”), then it’s none of her business to be saying anything to anyone about someone else’s sex life, let alone the people involved in said sex life.
I don’t buy it for a second that there is any real concern behind the girl telling the bouncers about each other. I think it’s all a means to get them on her side, which makes me wonder if the girl who got the friend the job is just upset that the friend seems to be fitting in at the place they work better.
I’m annoyed that Amy seems to be insinuating that the girl who slept with two bouncers may be carrying a disease. I’m annoyed that we can’t imagine that they are responsible adults who can take care of themselves and take necessary precautions before engaging in such extracurricular activities.
Amy, not your best advice. Not your best response to a letter responding to advice, either.