On the Bad Thing

Yesterday was not one of the best days of my life. When it was finally over, the tears wouldn’t stop coming, and I sat curled in the front seat of my car sobbing. I drove, and the tears pooled in my eyes and slid swiftly down my cheeks. I tasted them. They tasted like sweeping sadness. 

Sometimes, there’s nothing wrong with a relationship. But I was feeling that slow nagging at the back of my mind. It was probably just timing. Busy season has been too busy for too long. I’ve been in my own personal hell of trying to plan the rest of my life. I’m constantly coming up short, and this lack of ideas is causing me to panic. I told him yesterday, as we lay in the park, that I’m not the best at reaching out for help in times like these. Instead, I panic. My mom tried to sit next to me last night, to comfort me, and I waved her away. There are some things best felt alone. Things like pain and panic and sadness. They are too personal to share with physical touch. It is much better to remove yourself. 

I felt like a stranger in my own house last night. I haven’t slept there in nearly two months. My mattress doesn’t remember the curve of my back, nor does my bathroom know where to find my toothbrush. I’m glad to be home, I think, but as I tried desperately to fall asleep last night, I wished that he was with me. Carlos waited by the door for a while, then realizing that he wasn’t coming home, came and curled up to sleep next to me. He didn’t say goodbye to Carlos last night. It was would have been much easier had I not had to chase and grab and package a terrified cat while crying. He didn’t say goodbye.

Maybe I gave up too early. I sobbed in the park and wished that I hadn’t made up my mind. I sobbed and wished that we could just go get dinner somewhere. Maybe this will be a good thing. Time will tell. Right now, I am empty inside. It’s so hard to give up good love in favor of a good life, but I told him that I’d focused so intently on making him happy that I’d entirely neglected myself. And even though I do love him, I want to love myself. I want to be happy again. We had created our own little world, which was entirely lovely, but we forgot that the rest of the world needed us, too.

This hurts. And it will hurt for a long time. I can only hope we’re moving in the right directions, whatever they may be.

I’m so sorry, Kev.

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