I’ve been awake since three forty.
It might be jet lag – I’ve been off since I got home – not hungry, not sleeping, always tired.
It might be everything.
I want to go to Chicago in January for a nice weekend away. I want to see everyone.
I need to stop writing little posts of nothing, I know that. But the other day, I was in the shower thinking (seriously that’s where the best thinking gets done) and I was wondering if I come across as too whiny or self-absorbed in my blogs.
Of course, self-absorption is a necessary blog-evil, but I wonder if I accurately portray my perceptions of things and my world views.
I feel the need to share things – it’s how I process. I don’t care if no one reads this, it’s therapeutic to type it out while I’m not consciously thinking about anything. Then I look down and everything is right in front of me.
But anyway, I’m restructuring my five year plan and trying to make everything fall into place. But I think the problem there is “make.” You can’t make anything fall into place. Everything falls in, you can nudge and push and rearrange, but at the end of the day, certain things are out of your hands.
Life is one of those funny things that will leave you behind if you just don’t go along with it sometimes.
So for now I’m nudging, trying to find my way in this new, permanent Denver. I’m looking forward to reading – it’s something I have really missed the last few years. I’m looking forward to a job and an apartment. I’m looking forward to settling into a routine.
I’m free floating now and I’m not entirely sure I like it but at the same time, I’m happy to be the free spirit that I am and I’m hoping to nurture that sense of independent adventure.
I want to hike and climb and go sandboarding and learn how to snowboard. I want to get back in the good graces of the Denver Public Library so that I can be allowed to sit downtown and spend an entire afternoon reading. I want to import wine from South Africa. I want to sit in dark bars and have long conversations. I want to work so that I can afford my own space and afford to leave it so I can travel the world. I want to see everything. But mostly I want to see beaches. All of them.
I’m excited. This free floating is tinged with fear but also glowing with promise. And that’s the best part. The free fall can’t last forever. It will have to end. And when it does, the solidity that emerges will be exact. Exactly what I’m looking for. (That’s the mythical happily ever after that would really be adorable. Adorable is the wrong word, but you know what I mean.)
But – to the two things I love more than anything (I told Mom that and she questioned my love for her – I reminded her that I said things and not mothers.)
Also, I saw Cat. He’s fat, furry, and absolutely happy, which makes me so happy. He’s friendly and even though I can’t tell if he remembers me, he’s letting me snuggle him and I’m alright with that.
I am back in Simon. Highways beware, I’m back. That’s beautiful freedom.