Today was the last official Monday of my undergraduate career.
I’m getting nostalgic, not really for school but for Chicago and the life that I’ve been able to lead here.
I’ve learned so much, not only about myself, but about the human condition and humanity in itself.
I’ve also learned a lot about people.
I’ve been very grateful for my education lately, especially because I’m studying the Chicago Public Schools. I find that a lot of kids aren’t given all of the opportunities that I had (educationally) and don’t have the support networks (family) that I have now. In hindsight, I wish that I’d worked harder in college. In all honesty, I never thought I’d go to graduate school, and now that’s what I want to do. Once I get to grad school, I’ll be more able to commit to my work because I know what it will mean for me.
I’ve been overwhelmed by the feelings of failure. I feel as though I didn’t do well enough. I feel as though my resume isn’t enough; I feel as though my work experience isn’t enough; I don’t feel prepared. I know that it comes with time, and I’m trying to convince myself that I’ve done something pretty great by moving out of state and getting a degree. (By the way, my GPA isn’t terrible. I have a 3.0. It’s a B average. Considering the amount of work I put in – the bare minimum – I’ve done well.)
I’m just working on feeling proud of myself and working on feeling confident as I work on building my resume in the next year or two before I head back to school.
And I just need to focus, focus, focus and be determined. And I want to realize that I’m capable of doing the things that I need to do.
But I’m not going to lie, I’m really scared.
Right now, my future is empty. And it’s terrifying.
I should look at it as an opportunity. A freedom. I could move anywhere.
I’m going to give Denver a year, and if I’m not comfortable there, I’m going to pick up and maybe move somewhere else.
But maybe not. I really love the urban environment. I love the frenzy, I love the anonymity (I’m really shy, actually), I love the smells and the tastes and the sights.
We shall see.
I’ve learned a lot about living with people, too. Yesterday, Maddie and I spent five hours cleaning the house. When she got home, instead of saying thank you, my roommate said, “The house is clean.” It was a major letdown. I worked so hard and have been so frustrated lately by the conditions under which we live. I’m not a maid. We’ve never been good at maintaining a clean system and I know that.
But lately, it’s been worse than ever. For example, I left out a tray of brownies, covered, only to come home and find them half gone. I had made those with the intention of giving some away to friends, but wasn’t able to.
For me, it’s an issue of respect. Maintaining any relationship takes a lot of work, and trust on both sides. I no longer have that here. I feel disrespected on a daily basis, whether it’s food or my possessions. I don’t feel as though any of my stuff is safe.
It’s hurtful. It’s been hurtful.
I’ve been trying to imagine what she might be thinking, hoping that it will help end my anger, which is only growing day after day. But I can’t. Sure, I might be a little cluttered, but I wish I knew the root of the problem.
I’ll keep thinking about it.
I love Cat. I love playing with him. I love watching him. He’s so curious, so snuggly, so independent. While Maddie was cleaning the shelves and organizing the DVDs last night, he’d climb into the spaces and lay down, wagging his tail.
We’re participating in an FIV (cat AIDs) study on May 9th at 2pm. Someone remind me. 26th at the Lurie Spay/Neuter clinic. Cat is going to hate it. He knows when we go there (that’s where he had his cancer surgery and before that, was neutered when he was a street cat) and he won’t be happy. But I’ll buy him some cute new toy mice to play with.