Life as a lady, or something like it.

In a world full of women, it’s interesting to think how many of us are completely controlled by our synthetic hormones.
I know I am.
I can predict what days I’m going to cry. Today is that day. Although I have not cried, I’ve noticed an incredible drop in mood. It’s interesting, probably, to watch the way we react.
I personally dislike it and can’t wait for the day that I am not ruled by medical creations, but for the time being, it serves some necessarily normalizing purpose.

I’m upset tonight. I’m hurt. I’m tired. I’m scared.
I’m a million different emotions that I can’t quite put a finger on.

I’ve been feeling invalid lately, which is to say that I’m not feeling validation from any aspect of my life. Not romantically, not career-wise, not motivationally, with friends, etc. I’m stagnant and terrified about it. Of course, when I get scared, I shut down.

There are times like this, obviously. This is what makes life life. These are the learning periods, the times when things are ironed out, when one becomes self-sustaining. Learn, I keep telling myself. Grow and blossom out of this shit. But growing and blossoming are hard, even though I have enough manure around me to seemingly sustain myself for life.

But it’s all rough and disheartening.

I’m embarrassed by my inability to move past certain things. It’s time. Everything is time but I wish I could fast forward. But then I’d miss so much. So here I am, embracing the roller coaster I’ve put myself on. Allowing it to creep up, slowly, cresting and then falling. Let’s free fall into the next solid up of life, and then let’s watch this all begin again.

You’re never exactly where you think you are.

I tried on my cap and gown tonight. I look absurd.

I went to the bookstore. I love books. I will never own enough books. I can’t even be mad at myself when I spend money on literature. There’s no reason that one should chide oneself for wanting to invest in words. Knowledge. Art in the best form. I’m excited. I’m glad for tonight’s solitude, it’s given me the long awaited opportunity to curl up and read.

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